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Women don't properly appreciate steak

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Life in a Shanty Town

October 1 · Issue #343 · View online

The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions


Internets,
Sometimes it might be necessary to spend a lot of money on a steak dinner, to prove to a woman that you’re the kind of brother who can afford to spend a lot of money on food, but understand that if you do you’re just throwing good money after bad.
Women can’t tell the difference between a good steak and a bad steak, and they wouldn’t like it even if they could.
I should note, before we begin, that some guys don’t know from a good steak either. Donald Trump, for example, eats his steak well done and with ketchup on it, which is simply unacceptable.
I’m no Peta activist, and in fact I don’t like animals, but it’s sad to think that a cow died just so you could waste its flesh like that.
I’ve heard that if you order a well-done steak in a restaurant they throw it on the floor before they cook it, and hopefully that’s been the case with many of the steaks that Trump has eaten over the years.
You’d think that a man who’s supposedly worth a billion dollars would have better taste in meat (nullus), but I’m thinking this might be a mental illness thing. He might be one of these people who think you can get sick from eating a steak that’s still bleeding, unaware that a lot of the flavor is in the blood. This is also the case with many women who either don’t eat steak or place incorrect steak orders.
Recently, a girl on Black People Twitter came under fire, in part due to misogynoir, but also because she posted a brief video of a steak that was absolutely ridiculous.
It was covered in a thin layer of gold leaf, like a fancy dessert at one of the restaurants where the aforementioned Donald Trump eats, and it wasn’t clear from looking at it what cut of beef it was. It looked like it may have been a roast that they told her was a really big steak, knowing she wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.
There was no char on the outside, and the inside was gross, like maybe it had been overcooked and, again, it wasn’t really a steak. There didn’t seem to be a sufficient level of marbling for the $600 or whatever it was she supposedly spent on this piece of shit.
According to the receipt she later posted, it was cooked medium, which is an almost-acceptable steak order, and it may have been necessary in this case due to the lack of intramuscular fat.
I don’t think she went to Salt Bae’s restaurant, but he’s been in the news lately as well, because he recently opened a restaurant in London and he’s also been charging people money out the ass.
Word on the street is that his steaks aren’t any good, but even if they are they’re not worth what he’s charging for them. Why pay extra for some sex-criminal-looking guy to sprinkle salt on it that touched his forearm, where it can mingle with his sweat and arm hair?
People sometimes post videos of Salt Bae coming to their table to slice their steak, sprinkle tainted salt on it and then put a piece of it in their date’s mouth as if it were his schlong.
I wonder if he charges extra for this little performance, or if he provides this service for free to parties where at least one of the patrons is a reasonably attractive woman.
I definitely wouldn’t pay Salt Bae extra to sexually harass my date. But if I somehow managed to go out on a date with a girl attractive enough to merit a free show with her meal, Chuck E. Cheese style, I’d insist on her also allowing me to shove hot meat in her mouth, both at the restaurant and then later on back at my place.
She can’t argue that she doesn’t allow people to put hot meat in her mouth, because you’ve already seen her do it, and you should have a pretty good idea of her technique from how she responds to Salt Bae. Some girls seem reticent to swallow his salty beef, while some girls have clearly done this before.
But I’d try to avoid taking a girl to see Salt Bae altogether, if possible. It would have to be very clear to me that this was necessary as a precondition for scoring, and even then I’d have to run the numbers on how a $600 steak would affect my financial situation. Otherwise, I’d take her somewhere where she could get a tasty, reasonably priced salad.
Ordering a salad is a good sign, because it shows that she’s concerned about her personal appearance. And you don’t have to worry about her ordering incorrectly, since it’s not cooked anyway. If she orders dressing on the side, like most women these days, they probably won’t give her enough, but that’s what she gets for trying to be cute. Regardless, it can’t cost you any more than like $20, and you don’t have to worry about her feeling sluggish later in the evening when it comes time to show her appreciation.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

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