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Why we must rescue Gabby Petito

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Life in a Shanty Town

September 17 · Issue #339 · View online

The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions


Internets,
I need everyone to stop what they’re doing.
I know Nicki Minaj’s cousin had an issue with his balls, and last week was the 20th anniversary of 9/11, but some things take precedence.
An adorable young white woman has gone missing. She was last seen in a national park in Wyoming. Her boyfriend is considered a person of interest in her disappearance.
She might be dead. But if she’s not, we need to find her and bring her home, if only because she’ll need someone to make sweet, passionate love to, and she might not be interested in her boyfriend anymore.
Even if he didn’t hit her over the head with a rock and toss her body into a ravine like the one Bobby and Cindy got lost in on the special two-part Grand Canyon episode of “The Brady Bunch,” I don’t get the sense that he’s been looking for her since she went missing three weeks ago.
If we do end up finding her (I’m on my way out there as we speak), I’m sure that would be difficult to explain.
She’s a woman, so it’s possible she got lost, and he figured she’d eventually starve to death or be eaten by bears. They were only dating, and he may not have intended to be with her long term.
He’d already scored with her, at that point. If he hadn’t, he might be more inclined to go look for her. If he found her, she’d be more or less obligated to have sex with him, morally, if not legally.
Gabby Petito and her boyfriend Brian Laundrie (who’s white, whew) were van-life bloggers, i.e. young hipster types who, unlike Matt Foley, motivational speaker, live in a van by choice.
They probably didn’t get a chance to wash their ass very often, which I know is a thing right now in certain communities, having been pioneered by Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis, whom I’d be willing to accept regardless of her smell.
Really, it was pioneered by homeless people, cab drivers and the mentally ill and then culturally appropriated by Hollywood actors and the tech community.
Why this hasn’t become more of an issue I’m not sure. Have cab drivers not suffered enough, between this and the rise of car-sharing apps like Uber, which, incidentally, was created by the aforementioned tech community? Hmm…
Young Gabby and Brian got into a fight not long before she went missing, the aftermath of which was captured on a police body cam. Fortunately, the cop didn’t turn it off. I guess there was no concern that he might have to shoot her.
On the side of the road somewhere in the middle of nowhere, Gabby explains that Brian tried to kick her out of the van because she was being a little bit mental. She suffers from OCD, says, and she was doing a little straightening.
She comes off as highly sympathetic, and not just because she was cleaning. (If she’d made the cop a sandwich, I would have died.)
If only I’d known this was happening. I would have driven out there and retrieved her before Brian could toss her off a cliff. There so much work to be done in my house. A person with OCD could have a field day.
She’s still missing, and she might be dead, so I won’t comment on her looks other than to say that there’s a reason this story has the potential to become the next Natalee Holloway.
It would be inappropriate to say that it’s more tragic when an attractive woman goes missing, so I won’t say that. I’ll just say that I hope she makes it home safely and with a new perspective on dating and relationships.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

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