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Why I support Kamala Harris


Life in a Shanty Town

August 14 · Issue #224 · View online

The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions

Selecting Kamala Harris as his running mate was a brilliant strategic maneuver and proof that Joe Biden’s brain is not growing a thin candy shell.
I personally endorse the Biden-Harris ticket, and I’m fully prepared to accuse anyone who doesn’t of misogynoir and attempt to get them fired from their job.
Consider yourselves warned.
Joe Biden announced that his running mate would be a woman a few years ago, when there was some concern about his tendency to touch women on the shoulder and sniff their hair, which is something you would do too if you thought there was no way you could be fired from your job. Have you ever smelled a woman’s hair? It’s amazing.
Biden knew that he would be the candidate in 2020 because these things are all rigged. That’s why I don’t bother to vote in the primaries, or half of the general elections I’ve been old enough to vote in.
Of the women Biden could potentially select as his running mate, Kamala Harris was easily the most attractive—and I feel it’s important to say that, because it’s not often that black women are given cause to have high self-esteem.
Stacey Abrams was sometimes mentioned as a front runner, but I knew there was no way she stood a chance. She had a large gap in her two front teeth, and she was grossly overweight. (The purpose of not getting her teeth fixed may have been to distract from her weight.)
White supremacist trolls would sometimes post a picture of her in gray polyester pants, looking like an entire loaf of bread stuffed in a sandwich-size Ziploc bag, along with the caption, “This could be our next vice president.” (I reported each and every one of them.)
Elizabeth Warren seemed to be more attractive than Hillary Clinton when you saw the two of them together, especially when Hillary started having strokes and having to be escorted off stage by a large black guy that no one’s ever been able to identify, but that’s about as much as you can say for her.
(Note: Kamala is not hotter than Tulsi Gabbard, but there was no way Gabbard would be selected. I’m not even sure how she was allowed to participate in the debates, but I’m glad she was. When she got in Kamala’s ass, it was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen on network television, surpassing multiple episodes of “Friends” set during sweater weather.)
Because Joe Biden is extremely old and feeble-minded, there’s the distinct possibility that Kamala could have to replace him at some point. Even if Biden doesn’t die, what if he wanders right out the front door of the White House and gets lost somewhere in DC? Every once in a while you hear stories about mentally ill people who somehow manage to breach White House security. I don’t think they’re doing a good job of watching the front door.
Fortunately, there’s no doubt in my mind that Kamala will be ready to serve on day one, if necessary. As a former prosecutor, who ran on a tough-on-crime agenda as if she were Richard Nixon, she’s uniquely well-suited to clean up the streets.
Jail populations are at an all-time low due to Corona, and my concern is that they’ve been letting people out indiscriminately. Eventually, Bill Gates will come up with a (mandatory) vaccine, and we’ll have to find a way to lock these people back up, if only to reduce unemployment.
The solution might be to start locking up people’s mothers. Kamala already pioneered such a program in an attempt to tackle the truancy problem in San Francisco, and I’d be curious to see what effect it might have on the murder rate in Chicago.
Far from heartless, however, Kamala was calling for $2,000 a month stimulus checks for the duration of Corona as recently as a few weeks ago—a policy Biden himself doesn’t support.
If Biden does end up dying soon, hopefully it’s after he takes office but before Bill Gates announces a vaccine. Even if Corona only lasts for another three months after Kamala becomes president, that’s $6,000.
Shit, for $2,000 a month, I hope they never find a vaccine. I don’t like going outside anyway, and I definitely don’t like being around people.
I’m not concerned with how the government will find the money to pay each man, woman and child more than I could ever hope to make in a month, because I’m already familiar with many of the ingenious strategies black women employ to help make ends meet, from when I used to work the customer service desk at Kmart.
Let’s just say we could be in for an era of unprecedented prosperity.
Take it easy on yourself,

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