So I guess this means we won’t be getting $2,000?
I’d written off the possibility of the balance in my checking account ever reaching the vaunted low-to-mid-four-figures level, so that maybe I could show an ATM receipt to one of the girls at Warehouse #2 and possibly get a blowski down by the shrinkwrap machine (where there aren’t any cameras), when Mitch McConnell wouldn’t pass a second stimulus bill and also ignored several Venmo requests.
But then I got my hopes up when hordes of nutty CACs broke into the Capitol Building, climbed up on top of things, stole a few things and took turns taking selfies in Nancy Pelosi’s office. Maybe I’d benefit from the Platinum Plan just yet!
Later that evening, on the evening news, I was disappointed to see Trump try to call off the attempted coup. Why turn back at that point? They’d already interrupted the session of Congress in which they would have certified Biden’s election win. If Trump wanted to, he probably could have postponed the inauguration on the basis of political instability and remained in office indefinitely.
His reputation is permanently ruined now anyway, and he might even be arrested, so what difference does it make? He seemed shook, like maybe someone from the Deep State took him into a dark, smoke-filled room and showed him a film strip of the JFK assassination from a never-before-seen angle.
The following morning, I saw that Ilhan Omar was drawing up Articles of Impeachment. How hilarious would it be if Trump were removed from office by Omar, of all people? She’d singlehandedly supplant Stacey Abrams as the black female savior of democracy, despite this week’s historic victories in Georgia, where a black guy and a Jewish guy in his early 30s were somehow elected to the Senate. Is it any wonder white people are so upset?
There’s also been talk of invoking the 25th Amendment, which I guess is for when the president acts too much of a damn fool and they can’t just impeach him, for whatever reason. Mike Pence would have to sign off on it. Pence isn’t fuxxing with Trump anymore, as of like 15 minutes before everything went to shit—which shouldn’t really count for anything. But ordering Trump to be frogmarched out of the White House, on live TV (maybe even on a special episode of “Cops”), would go a long way toward convincing the world that he realizes that Trump was on some ol’ bullshit.
He should remove Trump from office anyway, if only because, if my understanding of basic civics is correct (and it might not be), that would mean he would become president. If you had an opportunity to randomly, unilaterally make yourself President of the United States of America, why wouldn’t you take advantage of it? That’s like turning down free money. The president makes more than the vice president, right? Of course that amount would have to be prorated for these, his last few days in office.
As Trump’s veep, Pence will never be able to run himself. If he doesn’t man up and kick Trump to the curb, he may have been better off going down with the president. Maybe Trump would have allowed him to run one of his golf courses, or score with Melania, as a show of appreciation. Pence famously refuses to have dinner with any woman other than his wife. But it took real balls to throw Trump under a bus. Maybe we’re witnessing the emergence of a new Mike Pence. I can’t imagine his wife is anywhere near as attractive as Melania.
Take it easy on yourself,