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Internets, My ancestors worked hard to build this country so that white people could have the privile

Life in a Shanty Town

June 21 · Issue #113 · View online
The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions

My ancestors worked hard to build this country so that white people could have the privileges that they currently enjoy, and I’m overjoyed and relieved to hear that Congress is conducting a study to see about getting me the money that I so richly deserve.
As SWV would say, it’s about time.
There was a big hearing on Capitol Hill the other day, not unlike the congressional hearing in the second Godfather movie, from which I learned much of what I know about politics. Frank Pentangeli’s brother wasn’t in the building, but in the one YouTube video that I watched to prepare to write this mess I saw that they had a smoking hot white chick seated directly behind Coleman Hughes, the cornball brother they brought in to argue against reparations. They probably let him have sex with her after he completed his testimony.
Admittedly, I’m jealous. Would I sell my own people down the river for a roll in the hay with this CAC goddess? No, but Hughes probably also got a nice check from the same obscure white supremacist billionaires who fund Milo Yiannopoulos and The Federalist. If the amount of the check was more than the amount I’m about to receive from the government in exchange for the centuries of toil and strife my ancestors had to put up with, not to mention the difficulties that I’ve faced in my own lifetime, for which I believe I also deserve compensation, then I might have to think about it.
I’m just being honest.
Coleman Hughes wasn’t about to get a check from the government anyway, because he’s secretly Puerto Rican. No one from Congress bothered to check to see if he’s a legit, according-to-Hoyle African American, in much the same way that Harvard didn’t bother to check to see if Elizabeth Warren was a real Native American before they hired her as a professor at least partly on the basis of her ancestry. Fortunately, someone on Black People Twitter turned up a photo of his family, who look like the housekeeping staff at a Motel 6 (want me fluff pillow?), and a video of him talking about how he puts on a front like he’s a legit black person for the few benefits you get from being a brother, like girls thinking you’ve got a ginormous schlong and guys thinking you know how to fight.
Puerto Ricans won’t be receiving reparations from the United States, because even though they are part-African, and even though there was slavery in Puerto Rico, Puerto Rico at the time was owned by Spain, not the United States. Puerto Ricans, for the most part, weren’t even allowed to come to the US until the 1960s, maybe because we needed convincing gangbangers for the film adaptation of West Side Story. If we can get enough people to vote on it, maybe we can make an exception for Fat Joe, who’s also allowed to use the dreaded n-word. Not that anyone told him he could say it, but he’s been saying it for like 30 years. Plus, who’s gonna tell him he can’t say it?
I’m actually more concerned about how long it’s going to take Congress to get me my money, now that they’ve had this hearing. Depending on how much it is, I might need to take an early retirement. Ironically, given my ancestors’ hundreds of years of free labor, it’s just not in my nature to work.
Take it easy on yourself,
P.S. In the meantime, I need you to buy a copy of my new book, Wardrobe Malfunction: Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake and the Power of Desperation. This beer doesn’t buy itself … yet.

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