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Who really did 9/11?

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Life in a Shanty Town

September 10 · Issue #337 · View online

The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions


Internets,
With the 20th anniversary of 9/11 rapidly approaching like a rerouted 747 filled with highly flammable jet fuel, it’s time for President Joe Biden to reveal who really did 9/11. Namely, the 43rd President of the United States of America, George W. Bush.
For too long now, we’ve been left to wonder why someone would blow up the World Trade Center, and that other building they randomly blew up, and why they would fire missiles at the Pentagon and United 93.
The only explanation we’ve been offered is that the terrorists hate us for our freedom, which, what freedom?
If the terrorists knew that the GOAT Homeboy Sandman wouldn’t be allowed to go out on an anti-vaxxer tour this fall, would they have even bothered?
I’m not as concerned about the people who lost loved ones in the twin towers, since I don’t know anyone who worked there, and since, like the other GOAT KRS-One, I probably wouldn’t have been allowed to sleep in the train station underneath the World Trade Center as if it were my home. So in a sense, this was justice.
However, I am concerned about the extent to which George W. Bush has been able to rehabilitate his image.
I suspect that many black women are jealous of the special relationship he has with Michelle Obama. The two of them always seem to be sitting next to each other at state funerals, and Michelle always seems so happy to see him.
She says that he sometimes gives her a Werther’s Original. What she doesn’t say is if he allows her to reach down in his pocket and grab one, and if there’s something in that pocket other than candy.
I wouldn’t be surprised if there is. That family is known for being perverts. George H.W. Bush was copping a feel until the very end. He barely missed getting canceled.
I worry that a lot of black guys on Twitter would be particularly receptive to George W. Bush’s bullshit “ownership society” policies.
You’ll recall that, rather than giving black people our reparations, Bush made it so that literally anyone could get a mortgage. Then, when the economy shit the bed in ‘08, huge numbers of black people lost their houses, including, amazingly, relatives of mine who’d been living in their houses for 40-plus years. How is that even possible?
A lot of black guys who, 20 years ago, would have been the CEO of an entertainment company that doesn’t really exist are now pursuing careers in real estate. I’m sure they’d like nothing more than the return of “compassionate conservatism.”
Already, more black guys voted for Trump in 2020 than in 2016. If it weren’t for the valiant efforts of Stacey Abrams, who must not have a man to make sweet, passionate love to, Trump might still be in office.
If Biden reveals what many of us have long suspected about George W. Bush, it could be the thing that wins us a second Biden term, or even better, a Kamala Harris presidency, if it’s determined that he’s too old to run in 2024. Really, he was too old to run in 2020, but things could get to the point where he can’t be brought out in public, like Ronald Reagan during the last few years of his second term. They can’t run the risk of him pulling his schlong out on TV, not realizing where he is.
Biden’s been under fire lately for randomly deciding to cut and run from Afghanistan without so much as making sure the airport was secure. If he’d been thinking, he would have instructed the military to withdraw from Afghanistan surreptitiously, as if they were skipping out on the check at Outback Steakhouse, and that just goes to show the importance of having black faces in high places.
People are also upset about Roe v. Wade being overturned in Texas. Really, that was Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s fault, but there’s no way he could point that out without being accused of sexism.
Whereas, no one will give a shit if he blames 9/11 on George W. Bush. Bush seems like he might be a little bit slow, but not to the point where people would be upset if you made fun of him or accused him of some crime he may not have had anything to do with. He’d be forced to issue a response, which would only make him seem that much more guilty, and I’m sure whatever he’d have to say would be wildly inarticulate.
Even if he could somehow prove definitively that he didn’t do 9/11, possibly by proving that jet fuel can in fact melt steel beams, Biden could just claim to have had a senior moment. He could call a press conference to apologize and pull his schlong out on TV, and I’m sure people would understand.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

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