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What I won't do for fried chicken

First of all, a reminder: Starting a week from this coming Tuesday, I'm sending out two newsletters a
What I won't do for fried chicken
By Byron Crawford • Issue #123 • View online
First of all, a reminder: Starting a week from this coming Tuesday, I’m sending out two newsletters a week. It’ll cost $5 a month to read both of them (the Friday email will still be free). The link to sign up is at the bottom of this email. I need literally everyone reading this to sign up, unless you’ve got an especially good excuse, in which case I’d like to hear it.
And now for our regularly scheduled program…

Internets,
There used to be a rumor that they put saltpeter in the chicken at Church’s to limit population growth in the black community.
I never believed it, in part because I’ve eaten Church’s before and had a rod that same evening (nullus), but also because I felt I was too good to believe in conspiracy theories.
But that was before Jeffrey Epstein was assassinated by Bill and Hillary Clinton. Now I don’t know what to think.
Could it be that Popeyes timed the release of its spicy chicken sandwich to coincide with the announcement of Jay-Z’s “partnership” with the NFL, to take black people’s minds off the complete and utter betrayal? It’s a distinct possibility. I definitely wouldn’t put it past them.
If they did, it was almost worth it.
I’ll spare you the grim details other than to say that if you like fried chicken, and sandwiches, you need to get up on it.
You might want to avoid Popeyes this weekend though. I’m hearing reports of restaurants running out of chicken—which doesn’t even seem like it should be possible.
I remember trying to get in on that free chicken promotion they were running a while back. I don’t know if they lost a class-action lawsuit or what. I wasn’t about to wait all evening for some free chicken, but a few cars had me blocked in, so I ended up sitting there on the lot for like half an hour. And I seem to recall hearing about violence popping off at some locations.
I already had problems trying to get the new chicken sandwich before it launched nationwide. On three separate occasions, at different times of the day, I tried to cop one of those bad boys, only to be told that they couldn’t sell me one, because they were frozen.
It doesn’t make sense to me why they were frozen, and why they couldn’t just cook them from frozen, like a hamburger. American chicken, with all of the steroids and what have you, will keep for a good five days. I know dropping anything frozen in a deep fryer causes an unholy racket (I used to toss ice cubes in a deep fryer for shits and giggles when I was, uh, older than I care to admit), but it should still work. The chicken sandwiches at White Castle are cooked from frozen.
It’s quite possible that the people who work at Popeyes are too dumb to make a chicken sandwich. I remember one time I went to a Popeyes, and the place damn near caught fire. The whole dining room was filled with smoke. The girl working the register said the chicken had been down for too long (who can relate!) and there was nothing she could do because the guy working the fryer was in the parking lot smoking a square.
I’m not too proud to admit that I used to fry chicken for a living, and I’m at a loss for why she couldn’t just pull the basket up from out of the grease. Those baskets are designed in such a way that the handle doesn’t get too hot. Or do you have to have some sort of key now?
In case anyone’s wondering, yes, she did just wait until the guy was done with his Newport, and yes, I did stand there and wait for my order (which hadn’t been burned), and I smelled like smoke for the rest of the day.
The fact that some restaurants are already out of chicken, and it’s not even the weekend yet, nor is it the first of the month, just goes to show the psychological turmoil this country is in. These are rough times for America: Trump is wildin’ out like never before. The economy is fucked. Jay-Z sold the entire black community down the river in exchange for one thousandth of one percent of an NFL team.
And apparently, the Amazon rainforest has been on fire for like 21 days, and no one knew about it until the other day. Do they not have the Internets in Brazil? (Glenn Greenwald lives there, right?) How in TF can a rainforest even catch fire? Would the rain not put it out? Maybe they lost the key to a deep fryer (you can’t throw water on a grease fire).
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol
P.S. The link to become a “member” of Life in a Shanty Town is at the bottom of this email. Click that shit.
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