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We stan a dead queen

We stan a dead queen
By Byron Crawford • Issue #440 • View online
Queen Elizabeth II reigned over England, and the dark, foul-smelling countries it colonized, for over 70 years—longer than most black people will be alive. We should admire her for her longevity alone, not to mention the example she set for women.
Long before Hillary Clinton began putting together a list of people to have killed, possibly including Kanye, just so she could lose an election to Trump, Elizabeth was running England, in a sense, despite the fact that she was a woman.
She was married to a guy, but he wasn’t allowed to be king, because he married into the family. He wasn’t a blood relative of the king, whereas Elizabeth was both the king’s daughter and his niece. Their family tree was like a stump.
That’s why they all look a little bit slow in the face. Except for Prince Harry, who’s obviously not related. Princess Diana was stepping out on Prince Charles long before she got in the car with that Arab guy, and that might be why she had to be taken out.
If I were Prince Philip, Elizabeth’s now-bereaved, long-suffering husband, I’m not sure if I would have gone for playing second fiddle to my wife—not because I necessarily need to run a country, but it’s important for a man to be the head of his household.
At the very least, I would have been bringing other girls into Buckingham Palace for sweet, passionate lovemaking, both for resentment purposes, but also for the main reason you make sweet, passionate love to a woman, i.e. bragging rights.
Once a woman gets to be a certain age, her bones get brittle. You can’t get it on with her without running the risk of her crumbling into dust. You ever shake hands with a girl who’s older than like 40? They’re very delicate.
You can tell Elizabeth was fragile, because she stood all of about 3'11. If she hadn’t died, she would have eventually disappeared. She could have played a hobbit in the new Amazon Lord of the Rings series—which is amazing, btw.
It’s a testament to her class, her intelligence, and possibly her head game, that her marriage stayed together as long as it did. She didn’t cultivate an independent mentality just because she had a high-profile job.
Is it any wonder that many of the least intelligent amongst us, on Black People Twitter, are celebrating her demise?
They’re trying to blame her for all sorts of things that she didn’t have anything to do with, including the colonization of India, Ireland and the transatlantic slave trade.
She’s old, but she’s not *that* old! Plus, she wasn’t really in charge of anything. It’s like when Jay-Z was running Def Jam: she could make suggestions, but a roomful of CACs still had to sign off on it.
Nor do I blame her for Meghan Markle having to go live at Tyler Perry’s house and work at Netflix. Yeah, the Queen was worried that her grandchild might come out too dark, but that may have been concern that William had been cucked by a black guy, possibly Jay Electronica, after what happened with Princess Diana.
Also, she was hardly the first person to fear that a child might come out too dark. For example, I’m seeing a lot of Africans, who are known to use skin-lightening soap, posting GIFs of themselves doing their tribal jollof-rice-harvest dances in celebration.
I believe it was Jesus, in the movie The Last Temptation of Christ (and maybe also in the Bible), who said let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

 

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