Leave it up to the Internets, i.e. yourselves, to find something negative about Jay-Z and Meek Mill doing something nice for one of their friends on his birthday.
The two rappers recently teamed up to purchase a Bentley for Robert Kraft, the billionaire owner of the New England Patriots, for his 80th birthday.
It was presented to him in a somewhat cringey video, in which Kraft pretended to be excited about receiving an expensive car as a gift.
I kept waiting for the embarrassing moment when the camera panned over to the row of Bentleys already parked out front of Kraft’s house, but maybe he found out about this in advance and had them moved elsewhere.
He seems like the kind of billionaire who really would own a goofy-looking, ridiculously expensive Bentley. I see him in a luxury box sometimes at Patriots games dressed like how a Billionaire would dress in a Disney cartoon.
Not all billionaires dress like that. Bill Gates, for example, seems to wear suits from the Men’s Wearhouse, which is where I get my suits. (They sell some pretty good shit, I’d argue.)
Kraft has had a rough past couple of years, despite his immense wealth, and that may have been the impetus for Jay-Z and Meek Mill doing something special for this year’s gift.
A while back, he was busted for getting a handy in one of those sketchy massage parlors like the ones that got shot up down in Atlanta.
It seemed ridiculous that he wouldn’t just pay literally any woman in the world (admit it, ladies) to touch his johnson, rather than running the risk of getting arrested in a rub-n-tug. Fortunately, I’m pretty sure his parents are dead. They’d be so disappointed.
Come to find out, his wife had recently died. He probably hadn’t had to purchase a handy up until that point. Credit where credit is due: His wife must have taken care of his unit until she couldn’t anymore, even when arthritis caused her wrinkled old hands to seize up on her.
They don’t make wives like that anymore.
Enter Jay-Z and Meek Mill.
Buying a Bentley for anyone, let alone an elderly CAC who can afford his own Bentley, seems ridiculous to us, but that’s because we don’t have that kind of money. (If you have a billion dollars, consider purchasing a membership.)
Jay-Z has $1.4 billion, and he probably gets a good deal down at the Bentley dealership for having been a customer since the Vol. 2: Hard Knock Life era. I was barely driving cars when that album came out, and I’m in my 40s.
Meek Mill can’t have nearly as much money as Jay-Z, because he’s an idiot and, more importantly, he doesn’t have a single song that I’ve ever heard. But he owes Robert Kraft, because Kraft pulled some strings with the Illuminati to get him out of prison after the prosecutor, an African-American woman (I’m just saying), tried to bury him underneath the prison for not doing a song with Boyz II Men.
If a white guy bailed me out of prison I wouldn’t buy him a Bentley, both because I can’t afford it and as a matter of principle, but I might consider buying him something proportionally expensive for a man of my income, like an expensive tie from the mall, not TJ Maxx. That’s just basic gratitude, not to mention good strategy, on the outside chance that I get locked up again.
With his seeming lack of intellect, it’s only a matter of time before Meek Mill gets locked up again. When he does, I hope Robert Kraft remembers how generous this gift was. Hopefully it doesn’t slip his mind because he’s too old to remember things anymore, or because what does he need with a fucking Bentley.
Take it easy on yourself,