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We demand more blacks on ESPN

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Life in a Shanty Town

July 9 · Issue #319 · View online

The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions


Internets,
It hadn’t occurred to me that there might not be a sufficient number of black people on ESPN, and I guess that’s my fault for not following sports as closely as I should.
Is Rachel Nichols representative of the kind of person I would see if I were to turn on ESPN at any given moment? In other words, am I about to have to get cable back so I can start watching ESPN?
No but really, I’m concerned that this would even be an issue.
You’d think it would be easy enough for ESPN to find black commentators, given that, statistically speaking, most people who play sports are black. We dominate traditionally black sports like basketball, and we also dominate white sports like golf and tennis.
I see sports-related programming on TV when I’m forced to spend time with people who watch sports, and I know some networks have had great success with pudgy former NBA players like Charles Barkley and Shaquille O'Neal.
Those guys might be on network TV—certainly, with their gift for analysis, they should be. Does ESPN not have its own stable of black former athletes? If they don’t, there’s a guy named Kwame Brown they might want to have a look at. I’ve recently become familiar with his work, and I’m impressed.
It could be that they keep a small group of black guys in the studio, for when they need someone to say something intelligent about the actual game, and then they keep a sexy white chick posted on the sideline, to function as something along the lines of a cheerleader.
I know ESPN, or one of those other networks, had an issue before with a girl named Erin Andrews, the sexiest such reporter. Some guy figured out how to take pictures of her in her underwear by implanting a tiny camera in her hotel room’s keyhole, as if he were James Bond.
I condemn this young brother’s actions, and I demand that he contact me, so that I can explain to him, via encrypted email, just how much I disapprove of what he did, particularly some of the specific methods that he used. I might also inquire as to whether he disposed of the photos, to prevent any further harm to Andrews.
I conducted a Google image search re: Rachel Nichols, to make sure that she hadn’t been similarly victimized. She’s serviceable, but she’s no Erin Andrews, and I wonder if that’s why she was worried that she might be replaced—by a black chick even lol jk.
The black chick she’s since been replaced with, in an attempt to appease the rampaging Black People Twitter mobs, and also as a genuine show of appreciation for the network’s black viewership (which I’m sure is massive), is more or less equally as attractive, and seemingly a bit younger, which is key—not for me personally, but for many people I’m sure.
There’s probably laws against this, but in a just, ideal society, ESPN would set up a Jello wrestling pit during halftime of the next football game, and the two could battle it out to see who gets to continue to work for a living and who gets to take her chances on one of these dating sites for high-income men. Shaq and Charles Barkley could do the announcing.
The young black chick would presumably have a physical advantage, at least in terms of agility, while Nichols would be motivated by fear that the days of her trading on her looks are coming to an end, not to mention an apparent hatred of black people. I’d pay money to watch this, before I’d pay to watch Floyd Mayweather pretend to box some young CAC from YouTube.
Or, failing that, couldn’t they just report from the sidelines together? If ESPN could get them to say certain words in unison, I’m sure that would just be adorable, and maybe they could even sing a song.
I’m sure ESPN can afford to pay both of them. I heard that most of the money you pay for cable goes to ESPN, and that’s why a lot of people, if they can somehow manage to live without sports, opt for these $25-a-month packages, where you only get those deep-cable networks where they take you on a tour of rich people’s houses.
You’d think ESPN would have learned by now. If they’re gonna charge more than all of the other networks combined, they need to be providing actual value. And no, people throwing balls at things doesn’t count. Unless they’re throwing them at Rachel Nichols.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

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