View profile

We can't all be royals

Internets, When I heard that Princess Diana's younger son who probably isn't even related to the quee

Life in a Shanty Town

January 10 · Issue #162 · View online
The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions

When I heard that Princess Diana’s younger son who probably isn’t even related to the queen was marrying a black chick, I felt proud to know that a black woman was considered attractive enough to marry into the royal family.
The royals don’t just marry anyone. Princess Diana, when she married Prince Charles back in the early ‘80s, was a fine piece of ass. Certainly, she was out of his league, at least when it came to looks.
Even when she died under mysterious circumstances, when the car she was in—with an Arab guy—was chased into a tunnel by paparazzi and crashed, she was still more or less doable.
Therefore, I was disappointed to hear that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have been kicked out of the royal family. It was announced this week that they’re stepping down from their position in the royal family, as if it’s a job, and moving to the US, and that, like many people in their late 30s, they intend to become financially independent.
Nothing about this makes any sense to me. What black person, even if she’s only half-black, gives up a job where you don’t even have to do anything?
Why was Meghan Markle really kicked out of the royal family? In the absence of a plausible official explanation, I came up with a few reasons of my own.
With all due respect, past and present, and without further adieu:
1) She stole something
If you’re black, and you don’t have a relative who’s not allowed in your house because they’ve been known to steal, it’s because you ARE that relative.
Think about it: When’s the last time you were invited to a family gathering?
Could it be that Meghan Markle is that member of the royal family? The thing is, it doesn’t really matter if she stole anything.
She probably didn’t steal anything: she’s light-skinted and hence presumably reputable. But if anything did come up missing, of course they’re gonna assume it was her.
(It may have been Fergie, Duchess of York, who, as I recall, had substance abuse issues.)
Standard operating procedure when you’re having a thieving relative over is to sweep the house for valuables and place them all in a locked bedroom at the end of the hallway (if you don’t have a mentally ill uncle living in there).
But who wants to live like that, especially if you’re royalty? The queen may have pulled Prince Harry aside and told him, “Don’t bring that bitch around here no more.”
2) The queen is trying to have her killed
When Princess Di died (heh) in '97, it was before Bush did 9/11, and Epstein didn’t kill himself, so you could almost believe that she died in an accidental car wreck.
The key word there being almost. Even back then, a young Bol knew that something wasn’t quite on the up and up, when he heard that the guy she was in the car with was Arab.
If Princess Di was married to Prince Charles, what was she doing riding around in a car with Habib, tryna make some money on the side?
Was Princess Di the first Dubai Porta Potty?
It makes sense that they’d want to avoid the paparazzi, lest someone got a picture of that, but it also makes sense that the queen would want Di done away with.
You can’t be out here embarrassing the family like that.
As a black(-ish) woman, Meghan Markle’s very presence is an embarrassment to the family. Her best bet might be to get TF out of Dodge before she dies in some weird accident.
3) To stop further miscegenation
It’s one thing if the one son who isn’t even really related marries a black chick, but what if Prince Charles’ real son, Prince William, decides he’d like to taste brown sugar?
Both William and Harry are related to Princess Di, and we already know how she got down. Hence, presumably, Harry deciding to marry outside of his race.
Miscegenation is coursing through Prince William’s blood; the last thing he needs is Meghan Markle walking around Buckingham Palace in a pair of leggings, potentially sparking his imagination.
A few weeks ago, it was announced that Prince Andrew’s 60th birthday party had to be canceled, because it came out that he was kicking it on Little St. James Island with the aforementioned Jeffrey Epstein and Bill Clinton.
(Did everyone peep the photos of Andrew’s alleged teen, erm, victim? I of course have an opinion, but I’ll keep it to myself, in case feds is listening.)
The fact that Andrew’s mom is still canceling his birthday party, like some kid who’s in the third grade and still can’t read, proves, at the very least, that the queen meddles in the affairs of her progeny.
Whatever happened, the fact that Prince Harry chose to follow Meghan Markle to the US, leaving behind the entire British Royal Family, is a testament to the sheer grip of a black vagine.
Hopefully, he doesn’t have a change of heart when she gets over here and starts acting all “independent.”
Take it easy on yourself,

Did you enjoy this issue?
Become a member for $5 per month
Don’t miss out on the other issues by Byron Crawford
You can manage your subscription here
If you were forwarded this newsletter and you like it, you can subscribe here.
Powered by Revue