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We almost had a Platinum Plan


Life in a Shanty Town

November 6 · Issue #249 · View online

The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions

Ice Cube wrote Amerikkka’s Most Wanted. What have you done with your life?
Politically engaged African-Americans on Twitter are upset because Ice Cube tried to secure a few set-asides for black people from (still-) President Trump, the same way any intelligent ethnic minority would, e.g. the Jews.
Did they ever stop to think what would happen if Trump still manages to pull this one out? No Boutros. It only makes sense to have some sort of contingency plan in place.
In relationship terms, it’s the equivalent of being at least nominally kind to a girl who’s already got a boyfriend and hence is useless—to you, not necessarily to society in general.
You never know when that guy’s going to say the wrong thing, and she’s going to have sex with literally anyone to get back at him. (I believe there was a subplot about this in the now-obscure but brilliant late ‘90s teen film Can’t Hardly Wait.)
As I’m writing this, Trump is behind by tens of thousands of votes in like five states. Biden only has to win one of them to win the whole thing. Why in the world it’s taking so long to count the remaining votes I’m not sure.
In Philadelphia, Arizona and probably elsewhere, they’re having competing Stop the Count and Count Every Vote protests. Are the people counting the votes actually listening to the protesters? This could take a while.
Trump is behind by too many votes to benefit from a recount, or a thorough initial count, for that matter, but maybe he can somehow manage to get a few hundred thousand Biden votes disqualified.
I know in Georgia, that guy Killer Mike met with stole the gubernatorial election from Stacey Abrams by getting the state to toss out the ballots of people who couldn’t spell their own names correctly, thus robbing her of an opportunity to pay off $200,000 in credit card debt, much of which, I suspect, was run up at the Cheesecake Factory.
I’d suggest that those people’s opinions shouldn’t count anyway, but wasn’t that the reasoning behind the poll tax and various other policies that were outlawed by the Voting Rights Act of 1965? We have to be careful not to set the standards too high, if we ever want another Democratic president again.
I don’t want another four years of President Trump, but if I don’t have a choice in the matter, I want whatever I was entitled to per the Platinum Plan.
Also, I think it’s only right that the people on Twitter shit-talking Ice Cube as if he wasn’t responsible for the still-accurate political analysis on side B of Death Certificate shouldn’t get anything at all.
If, say for an instance, the Platinum Plan really does provide for chicken wings from a strip club in Miami, FL, as its title suggests, Jemele Hill et al. shouldn’t get any.
For demographic reasons, this will be a difficult policy to endorse, and it might be necessary to bring in the Proud Boys. Could that be what Trump meant when, at the second presidential debate, he told the white supremacist group to “stand down and stand by?”
To hear Ice Cube tell it, the Platinum Plan included half a trillion dollars in capital for the black community, presumably to start record labels and take classes in a hotel conference room out by the airport on how to build a real estate empire with no money down.
Come for the financial advice, stay for the black swingers convention!
Half a trillion dollars seems like an improbable amount of money, like something Dr. Evil would come up with, but that doesn’t mean Trump wouldn’t have done it, as long as it didn’t involve spending any of his own money, and it didn’t upset racist white people too much.
Trump might be a racist himself, but he values the black vote. When he triumphed over Corona, the very first thing he did was give a speech in which he promised to invest in black businesses. The media tried to cover it up the same way they did Bin Laden’s “mixtapes.”
If Trump somehow managed to win, thanks in part to black people, he may have felt compelled to pay back the favor. Alas, we might not have any way of knowing what he would have done.
Thanks a lot, assholes!
Take it easy on yourself,

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