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Tiger Woods walked so that Lil Nas X could run

Internets, When black people excel in fields typically dominated by white people, it makes me feel li

Life in a Shanty Town

April 19 · Issue #104 · View online
The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions

When black people excel in fields typically dominated by white people, it makes me feel like I’ve personally accomplished something.
So you can imagine my excitement when I saw that Tiger Woods won another Masters, the same week that Lil Nas X topped the Billboard Hot 100 with “Old Town Road.”
Could this be a sign from the Lord that things are finally about to turn around for the black community, and could the burning of the Cathedral of Notre Dame somehow be related? I’m not ruling this out as a possibility.
For those of us brothers of a certain age, it was exciting to see Tiger win another Masters if only because it’s a relief to see a 40-some-odd-year-old man successfully get out of bed in the morning. No Mayor Pete.
Tiger’s first Masters win was so long ago that it was parodied in the video for “Mo Money, Mo Problems,” a video so old Biggie Smalls was almost in it. At the time, I was barely old enough to drive a car. Now I’m nearing the end of my life.
In the interim, Tiger was almost killed by his ex-wife, a damn babysitter, just because he was carrying on with the waitresses at Perkins, as one does. Later, he had to get a backiotomy and ended up addicted to prescription pain meds.
In retrospect, I understand what he meant when he called himself Cablinasian: these are problems you wouldn’t typically associate with a black athlete. How is it, for example, that Tiger doesn’t have any “outside kids?”
Many commentators predicted that he’d never win another major golf tournament. That was obviously wishful thinking on their part. They can’t stand to see a black man doing his motherfucking thing in the world.
Similarly, white people had “Old Town Road” removed from Billboard’s country chart right when it was coming for that number one spot, supposedly because it doesn’t sound enough like country music.
I think the thing that bothered me most is the fact that they could have something removed just because it was inappropriate. Meanwhile, Peter Rosenberg has been on Hot 97 for like 10 years, and it’s not for lack of me calling up there.
Ironically, if it weren’t for the controversy surrounding Lil Nas X being quite literally blackballed from the country chart, “Old Town Road” probably wouldn’t be number one on the Hot 100—a more impressive feat, if not as emotionally satisfying.
For Lil Nas X, a known Internets troll, it may have been preferable to dominate a chart he didn’t have any business on, in much the same way that Tiger Woods would rather bang seemingly any white woman than the absolute finest black women (whom he can afford).
Billy Ray Cyrus hopped on an “Old Town Road” remix, in an attempt to get the song back on the country charts. In a similar spirit of magnanimity, Miley Cyrus might consider hitting Tiger Woods off with some stank, to keep him out of a Waffle House this weekend. She’s back doing black music, right?
Take it easy on yourself,
P.S. If you like humorous stories involving race, sex, music and sporting events, then you’ll just love my new book, Wardrobe Malfunction: Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake and the Power of Desperation, now available in paperback and ebook.

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