This past weekend, Tiger Woods found out his true race, i.e. black, in one of the least convenient ways possible: from a police report released to the media after he was arrested for driving under the influence.
I’m sure it was a harsh realization, for someone who was once under the impression that he belonged to a special kind of race that he pulled from his own ass, long before there was such a thing as Tumblr, let alone for someone who was once considered to be among the most acceptable of black (-adjacent) men. But it could be for the best.
Anyway, it was only a matter of time before some shit like this happened.
In retrospect, Tiger’s first—and probably worst—mistake was marrying the nanny.
Black women were upset to see Tiger marry Elin Nordegren both because they were jealous of her amazing body and because they hate to see a high-income black man marry a white woman, which takes money out of the community.
Black men were upset to see Tiger upgrade, so to speak, because we were jealous, even if she’s not necessarily the kind of white chick many of us fuxwit, but also because she’s not the kind of girl you marry.
Tiger met Elin through some other golfer, who’d employed her as a nanny—which suggests to me that he hit that. It was probably a situation not unlike Michael Jordan’s first marriage, in which half the guys in the league had already fucked his wife, unbeknownst to him.
As a brother with old-fashioned views, normally this is the time when I suggest that Tiger’s father, Earl, should have stepped in and talked some sense into his son, but I’m not sure what was going on with Earl.
Suffice it to say that Earl Woods wasn’t the average black guy, with the fact that he taught his son how to play golf serving as a case in point. How many black kids can even say they know their fathers? Statistically speaking, not very many.
Also, Earl Woods married a non-black woman, and it seemed to work out well for him. He had a son who was worth a shit (my parents were so jealous), and Tiger’s mom probably knew all kinds of weird sex shit you only learn if you grow up in a port city.
Why do you think Tiger turned out to be such a freak? As Kendrick Lamar would say, it’s in his DNA.
Tiger’s life seemed to fall apart in ’09, after Elin tried to beat him to death with one of his golf clubs after finding out that he’d been cheating on her with any number of skanky Bennigan’s waitresses and pr0n chicks whose bodies were probably riddled with diseases most people have never heard of.
You can see why she might be upset!
Still, a black chick wouldn’t have tried to beat him to death with his own golf clubs. That’s just inhumane (not to mention rude). Elin probably wanted to kill Tiger, if only on a subconscious level, before she even knew he cheated on her. Deep down, she probably resented the fact that he was the one who was the billionaire and she was the domestic.
Forgive me if I’m getting too deep with this…
Tiger hasn’t been quite right ever since.
After the incident, and after we found out about his “proclivities,” Tiger had to go sit down for a minute, to let his “brand” recuperate. Eventually he was able to return to the game, but he was never as good as he’d been before. Which doesn’t make sense, because anyone, regardless of age, who can stand up and slightly bend at the waist, should be able to play golf. You don’t even have to walk from hole to hole! You can catch a ride on a golf cart, and let some kid carry your clubs. I’m assuming the latter is a holdover from slavery.
It could be that Tiger really wasn’t able to slightly bend at the waist.
In the past few years, he’s started to really suck balls, not doing any better at some of these tournaments than I would have done, and I’ve never even held a golf club (but I do know my father). He claimed he was having problems with his back, and he took time off to have a backiotomy.
I once heard on some sports radio program that Tiger has an unorthodox way of hitting the ball, and people have long suspected that he’d eventually have back problems. This was described as him having too much torque in his swing, which sounded kinda racist to me, in a Jimmy the Greek sort of way, like explaining that people from Kenya excel at running marathons because they have an extra muscle in their legs.
After he was released from jail the other day, Tiger made it a point to note that he was apparently the only grown black man in America who wasn’t drinking on Memorial Day weekend, as if I’m supposed to be impressed by that.
I already knew he hadn’t been drinking, because alcohol, at least when I’m drinking it, doesn’t cause you to get into multiple collisions and then fall asleep in the car with the engine still running. I drive more or less as well in a near blackout state as I do completely sober, and I’m not nearly as coordinated as he is.
Er, I’m assuming I would, if I were to ever try such a thing. Which I wouldn’t.
Tiger Woods might be on “white people drugs,” as a result of his multiple back surgeries, not to mention his career falling apart and his extracurricular sex life being put on Front Street, as black people used to say in the 1980s (Tiger Woods wouldn’t know anything about that).
Hopefully this arrest will be the first step towards getting his life together, if only because those pain pills will kill you, but also because Tiger Woods is a human being and he deserves a second chance at life.
There’s nothing inherently wrong or unusual about wanting to date outside your race, especially for black men (lol), but it’s important to have the proper guidance when doing so.
In fact, the best case scenario might be if he ends up doing enough time behind bars to reconnect with his community, so to speak. Not only will it help keep him away from those white people drugs, but maybe he’ll learn something.
Take it easy on yourself,