On Twitter this week, some of the most perceptive, insightful members of the hip-hop community have pointed out that DJ Khaled was all about positivity, until the moment his album Father of Asahd was beat out for number one on Billboard by Tyler the Creator’s IGOR, at which point he promptly became a middle-aged white woman who calls the police on black people just for doing something that’s inconsiderate but not actually illegal.
One thing they failed to consider is that, as a man of a certain age, it couldn’t have been easy for DJ Khaled to express his disdain for Tyler the Creator without resorting to the use of certain terms, used to refer to the LGBTQ community, that were once considered socially acceptable, back before this country moved past its issues with various forms of bigotry.
Also, DJ Khaled is a proud Muslim and, if the fact that he keeps putting his son on his album covers is any indication, an even prouder father. Lest we forget, the guy who shot up the Pulse nightclub was a Muslim guy from Florida who once famously complained to his father that two gay guys kissed each other in front of his son. In retrospect, he may have just been saying that to “throw off the scent,” but the point remains: They’re sensitive about that sort of thing.
Is it any wonder that DJ Khaled is so upset?
Then there’s the fact that he really was robbed. Father of Asahd only debuted at number two because Billboard didn’t count sales of copies of the album that were bundled with some sort of pyramid-scheme energy drink. I think the issue was that they were trying to get people to buy the energy drink in bulk, Herbalife style, which is not allowed by Billboard. You can’t just sell thousands of copies of the same album to desperate, impressionable kids who had to drop out of college for academic reasons.
Jay-Z pulled something similar, years ago, giving away copies of Magna Carta Holy Grail to literally anyone and everyone who had a Samsung phone, who almost certainly wouldn’t have wanted to listen to the album, even for free, if they knew how it sounded. Just because we’re on Android doesn’t mean we don’t have taste!
Someone from the Illuminati got Billboard to change the rules so that Jay didn’t have to wait an entire month for Magna Carta Holy Grail to be declared the fastest album to ever go platinum. But then after that they changed the rules so that you can’t just buy a million copies of your own album and declare it a platinum album, even if, technically, it’s Samsung putting up the money.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the Illuminati is also involved in making it seem as if Tyler the Creator is more popular than DJ Khaled, as part of its ongoing scheme to emasculate black men. They may have placed a call and had Khaled disqualified just for offering his fans an opportunity to become entrepreneurs, so that one day they might be able to gentrify their own neighborhoods, as the late, great Nipsey Hussle once advocated.
They don’t want you to buy up all the houses in the ghetto, bulldoze them and build a basketball stadium, but apparently they do want you to dress like Grace Jones and lust after the guy from Call Me by Your Name, i.e. the indie film in which a teh ghey guy rubs one out onto a peach and gives it to another teh ghey guy to eat. Or so I’ve been told!
Take it easy on yourself,