Former New England Patriots wide receiver Antonio Brown says he’s done with the NFL, and I don’t blame him.
It’s a good idea for him to swear off the NFL anyway, because he probably won’t be able to find another job, and this way it’ll look like he decided to leave of his own volition rather than being forced out.
But I’m not sure if I’d want to keep playing in the league even if I could, if I were him. Why would I want to work for a company that fired me from my job, costing me upwards of $30, just because I called a white guy a cracka-ass cracka and jerked off onto a female personal trainer’s back while she was watching religious videos? Arguably, those things shouldn’t even be outlawed. Hear me out!
For starters, I wasn’t even aware that white guys didn’t like being called crackers. Like, I didn’t even know that was a thing. If I were a white guy, I feel like this would be the least of my concerns. I’d be too busy taking advantage of white privilege. I almost certainly wouldn’t be applying packing tape to cardboard boxes by day and writing $5 newsletters by night. If I still couldn’t make enough money to make sweet, passionate love to (truly) attractive white women, I’d travel to some country where literally any white man is worshiped as a god.
But enough about me. Apparently, Antonio Brown’s beef with Oakland Raiders management was that he wasn’t showing up to practice on time and missing certain events altogether. Arguably, it was racist for Raiders management to criticize him for not being able to show up on time, because of the stereotype about black people being on CP time. And the fact of the matter is that Raiders management had no idea why Antonio Brown couldn’t show up on time. They don’t understand how difficult it is being a black man in America, even if you do make $30 million a year. Brown may have been locking himself in his bedroom and engaging in primal scream therapy, into a pillow so no one could hear, as I do every morning before I go to work.
Brown already lost $21 million of that $30 million when he was let go by the Raiders. He was picked up by the Patriots, who apparently were unaware of his penchant for target practice, if you will. If all he did was call a white guy a cracka-ass cracka and not show up half the time, that would have made him perhaps the most reputable person to ever play for the Patriots, and that may have been their thinking when they signed him. Even after it came out that he’d rubbed one out on the girl’s back he was allowed to play in the first game of the season. Patriots owner Robert Kraft probably does the same thing at a rub-and-tug. If Brown had stuck around for a while, the two of them may have hit it off, in much the same way that Kraft has become friends with Meek Mill.
You can tell that the, erm, steamy non-con sex allegations against Antonio Brown are some ol’ bullshit because they only followed allegations that he dropped a load on his trainer’s back while she watched the 700 Club or whatever, as one does. If he really did choke her out and force himself on her, as she alleges, why would she wait to reveal that until after he was still allowed to play that one game for the Patriots? Brown says her real beef with him is that he wouldn’t pony up $1.7 million for an exciting investment opportunity that may or may not have been Herbalife. Her lawsuit against him is in civil court, where she’s seeking compensatory and punitive damages.
I’d be curious to know what constitutes compensatory damages for an infraction that could easily be cleaned up with a little Kleenex. She could have taken that case to The People’s Court! It’ll also be interesting to see what she ends up with now that he only made like $150,000 this year. If she’d been thinking, she would have waited a few weeks before pulling a story out of her ass.
Take it easy on yourself,