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The lord giveth, and the lord taketh away

Internets, First of all, a couple of important announcements: 1) Not that anyone gives a shit, but I'
The lord giveth, and the lord taketh away
By Byron Crawford • Issue #94 • View online
Internets,
First of all, a couple of important announcements:
1) Not that anyone gives a shit, but I’m once again amongst the employed. My first day was this past Monday. It’s another lucrative warehouse position{ putting things in boxes; taking things out of boxes; applying tape to said boxes so that their contents don’t fall out during transit, etc.
You’ll recall that I’d been out of a job since August. When I was hired, last week, it was a day after my unemployment ran out. I almost became one of those homeless guys who freezes to death in Chicago. Whew! That same week, 2,100 journalists at sites like Vice, Buzzfeed and Huffpost lost their jobs. I encourage them to learn how to code.
2) When I received my walking papers from my previous place of employment, I already had an idea for another book. Suddenly, I had plenty of free time. I spent a few weeks refamiliarizing myself with certain videos I’d downloaded from the Internets back in like 2005, and quietly reflecting on the decision-making process that led me to that point, and then I got down to business.
My next book is called Wardrobe Malfunction: Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake and the Power of Desperation. As its title suggests, it’s one of the most unique books ever written, and it’ll probably be the best book released in 2019. It uses Janet Jackson’s infamous “wardrobe malfunction,” one of the most important events of our lifetime, as a jumping off point to discuss a number of issues.
Wardrobe Malfunction drops, unexpectedly (lol), on 3/29/19, just in time for Janet Jackson’s induction into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. The Kindle Edition is now available for pre-order. There is no pre-order for the paperback version, but it’ll be out the same day.
***
Finally, I guess there’s this matter of 21 Savage having been arrested like two hours before the Super Bowl this past Sunday. I’m sure Savage could give a rat’s ass, because this was American football, not soccer, and the game ended up being boring anyway.
The game took place in Savage’s supposedly native Atlanta, and I happen to know, from an episode of “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel” that I saw when he was probably like 12, that the weekend of the Super Bowl is big for sex workers. It’s their equivalent of Black Friday, in which they probably make a substantial amount of their annual income.
I’m not sure if you can get a better deal than usual just because there’s a lot of girls down there working, but I bet there’s a lot of discounts to be had as the weekend draws to a close. You can get some vagine on clearance, in other words. I bet you could clean up during the actual game. (I’m sure hoo-ers, like 21 Savage, could give a rat’s ass about watching football.) I might have to hit the next Super Bowl to investigate, if I can talk one of the few remaining profitable news organizations into sponsoring a trip.
Admittedly, I know next to nothing about 21 Savage. I know a lot more about seasonal fluctuation in the market for stank. Savage was one of the XXL Freshmen a while back, and I think his gimmick was that he was a legit child gangbanger, like Chief Keef or Bobby Shmurda, but not Tekashi 6ix9ine, who’s agreed to rat out his entire crew, in a plea deal that could still land him behind bars for 47 years. His lawyer must not be Jewish.
In retrospect, the first sign that 21 Savage wasn’t on the up and up is that he’s been around for a few years now, and he’s yet to be either incarcerated or killed. XXXTentacion, Lil Peep, Tekashi 6ix9ine and Bobby Shmurda, meanwhile, are all either dead or in jail. What seems to be the problem with 21 Savage? Is he really in these streets, or is he at home drinking tea, catching up on episodes of Downton Abbey?
Then there was that time Amber Rose had him at the Slut Walk. Admittedly, I might show up to a slut walk, if I thought there was a chance I might score with a sufficiently attractive woman. But I’m not 21 Savage. It might be necessary for me to show up some place I don’t wanna be, or practice deception in a way that hopefully won’t land me in jail. If I were 21 Savage, there’s no way I’d support such an idiotic movement (yeah, I said it!) just to score with someone who’d already been ran through by Kanye, Wiz Khalifa and god knows who else.
Word on the street is that INS La Migra decided to pounce after they heard Savage kicking conscious rhymes on “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon,” talking about the Flint water crisis and advocating for opening the border up. The last they need, so the theory goes, is people who listen to 21 Savage thinking about anything other than weird drugs that black people don’t have any business doing; shooting random people in broad daylight, for no apparent reason; and beating the brakes off their pregnant girlfriends.
I don’t have a problem believing any of this, and I applaud Jay-Z’s efforts to secure legal representation for 21 Savage, hopefully a member of the tribe.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

Cover by Theotis Jones
Cover by Theotis Jones
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