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The case for arming teachers

Internets, On cable news and on social media, i.e. both of the places the president gets his news fro
The case for arming teachers
By Byron Crawford • Issue #44 • View online
On cable news and on social media, i.e. both of the places the president gets his news from, all of the most obnoxious kids from Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School (including one who sorta kinda resembles the gender non-binary computer expert from Billions) are calling for the government to take our guns away. The NRA, meanwhile, would obviously prefer if the government didn’t take our guns away. Let’s say we just compromise and arm teachers.
I don’t always agree with President Trump, unless he’s talking about Ivanka’s body, but this is the rare occasion when he might actually have a point. Arming teachers wouldn’t necessarily prevent school shootings, but at the very least they might lessen the impact.
If, for example, an armed teacher had intervened in the shooting the other day, maybe there would have been one or two victims instead of 17. Plus, the perp would have been killed rather than arrested, thus sparing black people the indignity of finding out that he was taken through the drive thru at Burger King on the way to jail.
And who knows? Arming teachers might even prevent some school shootings. Potential school shooters, if they’re not hell-bent on killing kids, might instead choose to shoot up a Department of Motor Vehicles, where they’re more likely to hit someone who deserved to get shot anyway.
Most school shooters, I’m assuming, aren’t targeting any one individual in particular. Otherwise, they could just find that one kid and pop a cap in his ass, like they do at black high schools, and this wouldn’t be an issue.
White school shooters could give a rat’s ass whom they hit. They’re just trying to drive the body count, to earn their place among the likes of Adam Lanza and the kids who shot up Columbine, not to mention Cho Seung-Hui, the all-time leading school shooter, whose feats aren’t always mentioned, because he’s Asian.
Elliot Rodger tried to shoot up the hottest sorority on the campus of UC Santa Barbara, but he couldn’t get any of the girls to open the door for him, probably because he had a slight build and somewhat feminine facial features. He ended up shooting more guys than girls. Nevertheless, his rampage came to be viewed as an attack on women.
Which brings me to my next point: If and when we do arm teachers, it’s likely that at least a few of them will end up shooting kids who didn’t necessarily deserve to get shot. I’m already seeing people on Twitter cite this as a reason why we can’t arm teachers.
Teaching staffs tend to skew both white and female, and if the #MeToo movement has taught us anything it’s that white women can’t recognize the potential threat in a white male perpetrator until like 20 years after the fact, when no one wants to have sex with them anymore—which is no good in an active-shooter scenario, which might only last for like five minutes.
White female teachers would be more likely to pull a weapon in situations involving mouthy hoodrats, especially if they were throwing chairs and shit across the room, like in a World Star video, or if a black male student reached for a pack of gum that, at a glance, looked eerily similar to a 9mm hand cannon.
He shouldn’t have had that gum in the classroom anyway, as Clint Eastwood might put it.
Fortunately, most female teachers, aside from maybe the butch girls volleyball coach, lack the wrist-strength to actually hit the person they’re aiming at. If, god forbid, they did end up firing their weapons, it’s anyone’s guess as to who they might hit. That’s perhaps less than ideal from a safety perspective, but I’d argue that there’s an essential fairness to it.
In a sense, it’s what MLK meant when he said he had a dream that one day black and white children would sit together at a table.
Take it easy on yourself,


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