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Terry Crews owes 50 Cent an apology

Internets, Terry Crews allowed a Hollywood exec to fondle his balls at a party, and now, as a result,
Terry Crews owes 50 Cent an apology
By Byron Crawford • Issue #62 • View online
Internets,
Terry Crews allowed a Hollywood exec to fondle his balls at a party, and now, as a result, there’s a campaign to have 50 Cent fired from Starz. As Drake would say, I’m upset!
Crews was back in the news this week, testifying before Congress about the ball-fondling epidemic in the entertainment industry, and that may have been what led one of Putin’s trolls to create a humorous meme. In it, a musclebound Crews laments the fact that he was sexually assaulted in front of his wife, and then in another image, Crews, this time with a rose in his mouth, declares that it’s gym time.
The latter image calls to mind the cover of one of those Eddie Murphy comedy albums in which he declares at the outset that teh ghey guys (not the term they used back then) aren’t allowed to look at his ass as he walks across the stage.
50 Cent posted the Terry Crews meme on his Instagram for a minute—just long enough for Russell Simmons to respond with an emoji indicating that he found it humorous. But that may have been more so because he thought the Crews situation was some ol’ bullshit. Simmons is friends with the guy who fondled Crews’ balls, and tried to intervene on the guy’s behalf when Crews went public with his allegation during last year’s silly #MeToo tantrum.
Generally, I’d be wary of someone who’s friends with a guy who goes around grabbing random black guys by the balls as if this were slavery and/or the NFL, let alone someone who would don a cape for such an individual, but I’m fairly confident in Rush’s heterosexuality, given the number of allegations against him. Just the other day, there was a report of yet another allegation against him, this one suppressed when MSNBC wouldn’t air an investigation by Joy Reid. Reid, you’ll recall, made a number of homophobic remarks on her old blog and then lied and said that the Wayback Machine had been hacked.
But I digress.
If only Terry Crews had the sense to put a shoe on the guy, this wouldn’t be an issue. He would have been well within his rights to do so. A man’s balls are sensitive. (Nullus.) When I was in high school, I was kicked in the balls by an intellectually disabled guy, playing soccer in gym class. It was the worst pain I ever felt in my life. I was in my mid-20s before I fully recovered, and for what it’s worth, I still don’t have any children.
When that guy grabbed his balls, Terry Crews didn’t have any way of knowing that the guy simply got off on touching a black man’s junk, both as a symbolic display of ownership of the victim’s most valuable possession and because he actually enjoys touching other guys’ balls. For all Crews knew, this could have been an assassination attempt—or worse! If the guy had applied even a little bit of pressure, Crews would have been rendered incapacitated, at which point the guy could have violated him in a manner that’s even worse than a surprise testicle massage. (I’ll spare you the grim details.)
Crews almost certainly would have been arrested for defending himself, but what’s a night in jail in exchange for your dignity? Eventually, he would have appeared before a judge, where he would have been able to explain his situation. We know, from both the meme and his testimony before Congress, that there was at least one witness. Granted, it was his own wife. But black women aren’t exactly known for their willingness to testify on a black man’s behalf. Ask any number of people in prison.
From that point on, Crews would have been known as the black guy who’s liable to go upside a white man’s head. Any roles he was up for probably would have been given to Will Smith. (Read into that what you will.) But his reputation suffered anyway. Now he’s known as both someone who blabs to the media about matters that could have been dealt with privately and someone who files frivolous lawsuits, his suit against both the guy who grabbed his balls and the talent agency the guy (still) works for having been summarily thrown out of court.
All Crews has to show for having been humiliated for the past several months now is a trip to DC to bitch and moan before Congress. That is, unless he secretly enjoyed having his balls played with.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

 

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Byron Crawford

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