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Taylor Swift will not be replaced

Internets, Taylor Swift is a racist regardless of whether or not she's an actual Nazi, but she also h
Taylor Swift will not be replaced
By Byron Crawford • Issue #20 • View online
Internets,
Taylor Swift is a racist regardless of whether or not she’s an actual Nazi, but she also happens to be adorable. She’s one of the most significant white women in America. It’s hardly any wonder she’s become so famous.
The other day, both the single and the video for her song “Look What You Made Me Do” took the Internets by storm. They were all anyone wanted to talk about, even though the fourth largest city in the country was being destroyed in what could be the worst natural disaster of all time, barring any especially tragic natural disasters in furrin countries that I’m not aware of.
I haven’t had a chance to listen to the song yet, as much as I enjoy listening to Taylor Swift’s music, because I’ve been busy with some other things I’ve been working on, but I’ve been told that it sounds like “I’m Too Sexy,” or whatever it was called, by Right Said Fred, and I’m at a loss for how this could be a good idea. It’s not like that was a good song aside from the two gay German guys. It was all-around bad.
I saw a few seconds of the video in one of those videos that autoplay when you visit the website of some sketchy, once-proud entertainment magazine, while researching a separate matter. It seemed similarly ill-advised. T-Swift’s makeup made her look more like someone’s mom than she would have otherwise, and they also had her dancing, which apparently isn’t her strong suit. (Who’d a thunkit?)
Black People Twitter wasn’t fuxxing with Taylor Swift anyway, because they’re still upset about an incident in which she lied on Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, and because many of the girls there are jealous of Taylor’s body. Many an anti-Taylor Swift think piece proliferated on what’s left of the Bored Hoodrat Blogosphere, including the increasingly lamentable the Root.
But Taylor’s many haters only seem to have succeeded in making her payday. “Look What You Made Me Do” was said to have broken records on both Spotify and YouTube. I’m not sure what those records were or the significance of her having broken them, but I know people make a lot of money from YouTube videos. The other day, I saw some 18-year-old kid bought a Lamborghini with money he made from YouTube videos.
I know it’s wrong to say this, but I hope that kid crashes into a wall and dies.
Normally I wouldn’t be at all bothered with Taylor Swift trying to throw Kanye West under a bus, literally or figuratively, especially after what he did to her at the ‘09 VMAs, but what she did to him with that “Famous” video was dead wrong, and Black People Twitter is right to be upset with her, regardless of their true motivation.
I may have written a newsletter about this back when it happened, but to recap, essentially, Kanye and Kim Kardashian caught Taylor Swift in a lie saying she didn’t sign off on a somewhat inappropriate line from the last Kanye album.
In the song “Famous” (I think that’s what it’s called) from his album the Life of Pablo, Kanye rapped that he might still have sex with Taylor Swift, since he made her famous. Kanye called Taylor Swift, told her about her about the line and asked if she’d premiere the song on her Instagram. Over the phone, she seemed cool with it.
Later, in some interview, she tried to front like she had no idea that Kanye would say something like that. She pretended to be both surprised and highly offended. Little did she know that Kim Kardashian was in the next room recording the conversation. Kim Kardashian records everything, including sex acts with Ray J, for potential use on reality TV. Kardashian leaked the audio to the Internets, revealing to the world that Taylor Swift is a damn liar.
At that point, the correct thing for T-Swift to do was admit that she’s a damn liar, apologize and maybe have sex with Kanye West, as a matter of general principle. Instead, she’s gone and recorded this album, in which she seems to be presenting herself as the victim. Pshaw!
What Taylor Swift tried to pull on Kanye was especially disturbing because entirely too many black men have died behind some shit a white woman made up to cover up her own indiscretion. It was like Emmett Till all over again, with the difference being that everything we do now is being recorded, even if you aren’t on the set of a Kardashian reality series. (For more on this, check out the surprisingly excellent Edward Snowden movie now airing on Showtime.)
Then there’s the fact that Taylor Swift has yet to disavow the Nazis. As perhaps the whitest white woman to ever walk the earth, she’s been worshipped by the alt-right since before Trump won the election, let alone before Heather Heyer (the anti-Taylor Swift) was run over in Charlottesville. A theory once put forth by the same kid whose blog was banned from the entire Internets for calling Heyer fat holds that Taylor Swift has been a sort of neo-Nazi sleeper cell all along, and that she’d reveal her true nature once Trump took office, at which point she’d marry Barron Trump a/k/a the Expert.
Well, now Donald Trump is president. Taylor Swift has yet to randomly sieg heil at the VMAs, but she’s also yet to officially state that she’s not a Nazi. Could there be a surprise in store on this new album? People have been calling on Taylor Swift to disavow the alt-right since before most people even knew what the alt-right was, and it’s kicked into high gear now that the promo cycle for her new album has begun. The title of an article in the Daily Beast the other day reads, “It’s time for Taylor Swift to denounce her neo-Nazi admirers.”
Barron Trump is kinda young to get married, but he might consider putting his bid in anyway. At 6'2, he looks significantly older than someone who really did believe that Kathy Griffin beheaded his father. And just think of how much money he’ll have once the Russians cut the check in exchange for whatever Donald Trump is about to do. His mother was essentially a mail-order bride, so we know he has ho tendencies. Barron Trump is about to fuck everybody. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

Update
Much was made of the fact that Trump pardoned Joe Arpaio on a Friday afternoon right before a national disaster, so the media couldn’t report on it. I didn’t see as much discussion of the fact that he also lifted a ban on military equipment for police. Why would the police need military equipment? They might have something planned. Maybe they can use it on people who were displaced by Tropical Storm Harvey.
New @ Yelp
Chicken fingers aren’t just for eight-year-olds anymore. The other day, I reviewed a restaurant that sells nothing but chicken fingers. It would be a good place to take an autistic brother who insists on only eating certain things, like in the movie Rain Man.
Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers - 29 Photos & 62 Reviews - Fast Food - 12215 Manchester Rd, Des Peres, MO - Restaurant Reviews - Phone Number - Menu - Yelp
Bol on Tropical Storm Harvey (nullus)
This was written this past weekend, just as the situation in Houston was starting to get especially dire. Notice how many of the things I said are starting to come true. I’m a prophet.
Set aside your many legitimate gripes with Houston during their time of need
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Byron Crawford

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