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Stop swirl-shaming Bobby Shmurda

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Life in a Shanty Town

April 16 · Issue #295 · View online

The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions


Internets,
Bobby Shmurda spent six years in prison, running the risk of catching Corona and possibly worse. If he wants to make sweet, passionate love to a white woman, he should be allowed to.
I thought we were supposed to be against racism. If not, what’s the purpose of these Black Lives Matters protests, to cop Patrisse Cullors a fifth house?
When I saw Shmurda’s name trending the other day, I thought maybe he’d finally released a song. He’s been out of prison for months now, right? He can’t claim to have writer’s block, because he writes songs like “Hot Dreaded N-Word.”
If he ever runs out of things to write about, all he has to do is list crimes that other people committed.
Word on the street is that Shmurda can’t drop a song yet because he’s having problems with his label. They probably don’t want to cut him another check because he still owes them from the check they cut him six years ago, when he was dancing on that table.
If this is the case, he might consider suing on the basis that a guy who just got out of prison has a certain status within the black community (as opposed to, say, a guy who just graduated from college), and if he waits too long to spit hot fire he will have missed the opportunity to capitalize on said status.
That might be a difficult concept for a judge to grasp, and that’s just one of the reasons we need token black representation in high profile positions instead of actual reform.
The closest thing to a hot single that Shmurda has dropped since he was sprung from the pokey is an Instagram video of what appears to be him cuddling with a skanky white chick who looks like she provides certain favors in exchange for lines of cocaine and no additional payment.
If you’ve been following my “career” for any amount of time, you know how I feel about ugly white women (I love them), and even I wouldn’t want anything to do with this hoo-er. I’d still score with her, but only because beggars can’t be choosers. But I definitely wouldn’t be out here bragging about it on Instagram.
Black People Twitter was similarly unimpressed, with one user going so far as to call the girl a “snow roach.” Several people posted Umar Johnson memes, literally all of which are hilarious.
Shmurda got his whole crew sent up for football numbers, and he danced on a table for a room full of CACs, but he can’t have people on Instagram thinking he’s dating a white chick. So he took to Instagram Live to cop a plea. And I quote: “It was not me! That is the homeboy’s joint, bro.”
Come to find out, the guy she was cuddling with in the video, who had his hoodie pulled down over his eyes (probably out of shame), wasn’t Shmurda; it was one of his few homeboys who aren’t doing 15 to 20. But that’s really neither here nor there.
If this guy is Shmurda’s weed carrier, and she’s his girlfriend, that means she’s Shmurda’s girlfriend too, in a sense. She’s probably only dating him because he’s a member of Shmurda’s entourage. Arguably, this guy owes Shmurda. If I were a famous rapper, I’d score with all of my weed carriers’ girlfriends, as a matter of principle.
If Shmurda were more articulate, he could have articulated this thought process on Instagram Live, and I’m sure everything would have been fine. Fortunately for him, the fact that he isn’t doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t excel as a rapper, this being 2021.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

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