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Since when does the FDA regulate food?

Since when does the FDA regulate food?
By Byron Crawford • Issue #430 • View online
American food is notoriously bad.
The bread at Subway can’t even be called bread, because it’s got too much sugar in it. Technically, it’s cake. I’d argue that it’s just as delicious, but that’s neither here nor there.
You can’t buy a bag of Skittles in Europe, because one of the ingredients is considered poison. If Trayvon Martin hadn’t been assassinated by George Zimmerman for wearing a hoodie while black, he may have died from eating Skittles.
All of these products are approved by the FDA, and yet they’re out here trying to prevent young black chicks on TikTok from selling condiments for your chicken tenders.
Hmm, I wonder why that is…
To paraphrase the mom in the movie Beat Street, who died recently, there’s worse things young black chicks on TikTok could be doing than selling condiments for your chicken tenders. Er, I heard there were bad things going on there.
Some girls are doing something strange for some change and then calling themselves accountants so that they’re not hassled when they go to the bank. Although, how can they be accountants if they can’t do math? How are they even driving themselves to the bank?
Black girls can’t make as much money on TikTok as white girls, because the algorithm is notoriously racist. It prioritizes videos made by girls who obviously live in nice houses. Some girls’ rooms look like absolute shit, because they’re probably too busy staring at their own cans in the mirror, which is what I would do if I were them, but you can tell their parents spent a lot of money on those houses.
Someone calling herself Chef Pii was well on her way to getting her own nice house, with utilities in her own name and the whole nine, until the aforementioned FDA caught wind of it.
She’d invented Pink Sauce, which resembles either Pepto-Bismol or Luster’s Pink Oil Moisturizer, depending on your cultural background. It’s been said to taste like a sweeter version of ranch dressing, which, why in the world would I eat such a thing?
But obviously I’m not the intended audience here. As Joey Diaz would say, it’s blue cheese with chicken wings or fuck your mother.
By the time people started hating, Chef Pii was selling enough Pink Sauce that it was being mass produced. It had slick packaging, with official-looking labels, though some of the words were misspelled. The numbers on the Nutrition Facts may have been pulled from her rear end.
There was concern that the bottles were being shipped in envelopes, which, I think the USPS will ship something in one of those envelopes for like $0.70 if you tell them it’s a book, so that’s just smart business. The bottle is made of plastic, so it’s not going to break.
Similarly, I’m not concerned with it going bad in the mail. Black women have been carrying government-size bottles of Hidden Valley Ranch in their purse since the ‘90s, and none of them have died—and I’m assuming that’s not just because they’re impervious to physical pain.
I would never eat Pink Sauce, but only because my palate is more refined than people who go on TikTok for anything other than “your own personal amusement.” But I would never stop anyone else from eating it, nor should the United States government. Not only do I object to them trying to stand in the way of black entrepreneurialism, but I refuse to believe that they give a shit what people eat.

 

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