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Shrimp Guy had it coming (nullus)


Life in a Shanty Town

March 26 · Issue #289 · View online

The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions

Maybe the lord put sugar-encrusted shrimp tails, rat poo and dental floss in Jensen Karp’s cereal as punishment for putting a shoe on multiple women.
If that is what happened, then that’s what he gets!
Karp, if you’re not familiar, is the guy who, on Twitter the other day, posted some truly horrific photos of gross things he found in a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, including the aforementioned sugar-encrusted shrimp tails, bits of rat poo that had been baked into the cereal and string that may have been dental floss, probably already used. (I wouldn’t use it myself regardless, to be on the safe side.)
The bag that comes inside the box had been taped shut, like maybe it had been tampered with, raising the question: Why do they even bother putting the cereal in that bag, since apparently it’s not protecting the cereal. They might as well keep that!
Before he was almost assassinated by General Mills, Karp was early ‘00s-era white rapper Hot Karl, who was famously signed to Interscope for $1 million, in the rush to find the next Eminem, but then had his project shelved, possibly on orders from Eminem, or maybe because they found Bubba Sparxxx, who was better.
Unlike many of his black counterparts, he was able to flip whatever was left of that Interscope money into a successful non-rap business venture, at least some of the proceeds of which he’s apparently used to marry Topanga from “Boy Meets World,” albeit 20-plus years after that show went off the air. Is she still hot? I know Maitland Ward, who’s in pr0n now, is hotter than fish grease. I wouldn’t go anywhere near here though without double-bagging it. I know where that mouth has been.
(Hot carl, by the way, is '90s slang for taking a poo on someone’s face, for sexual purposes. So that’s the kind of mind we’re dealing with here.)
The social media person for Cinnamon Toast Crunch tried to cop a plea, claiming that the sugar-encrusted shrimp tails were just sugar that somehow didn’t stick to the miniature pieces of toast. That’s probably a canned response that they use whenever someone finds something weird in a box of cereal, with the difference being that this time it went viral. I happen to know, from having read it somewhere back in the '90s, that cereal companies are allowed by law to have a certain number of rat hairs in each box. They won’t kill you or anything; they’re just kinda gross.
The story was picked up by every media outlet left at this point, including the Failing New York Times, and Karp, a/k/a Shrimp Guy, was a hero of the Internets for all of about nine hours, until some of his exes put his business in the street.
I haven’t bothered to research the allegations, but I’m assuming he put a shoe on these girls. I guess theoretically it could be that his schlong is so big that he’s left several girls stretched out and traumatized, in which case I’m even more jealous of him than I was when he was just rich and married to Topanga. But I doubt it.
It seems likely that he’s physically abusive because he’s kind of, well, a shrimp. He could get into a physical confrontation with a woman and not leave her with any evidence with which to prove that she’s just been in a fight, thus providing him with plausible deniability. I’d suggest that he’s related to lawyers he can call, but how would I feel if he said that I’m related to people who have their light bill in their toddler-aged child’s name?
Anyway, if it’s true what these girls say, whatever they said, I’m glad Karp got a bad box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and I hope he ingested some rat poo.
Take it easy on yourself,

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