The people in charge of sports may not have been thinking when they decided to cancel every sport there ever was indefinitely, except Nascar. (Whew!)
They even canceled the NFL, and football doesn’t start back until the fall, right? Does this mean that coronavirus will still be a thing six months from now?
If they end up canceling warehouses, and other places where people work, we’ll have to sit at home all day and watch TV—at least until the sheriff comes by and sets us out for nonpayment, at which point I guess we’ll have to sit outside.
What will we watch?
By “we” I of course mean the rest of you dumbasses. I’ll of course be watching prestige dramas on cable TV, like a true smart person. David Simon has a new one out next week, based on a book by Philip Roth. I’m glad they got that finished in time.
No but really, like many underachievers, I spend a lot of my free time reading books. It’s never done me any good, and I don’t recommend it.
Anyway, my fear is that, with no sports on TV, many of the dumbest people in our society will be compelled to leave the house, thus defeating the purpose of self-quarantine. Perhaps the older, racist CACs who own sports franchises should have thought about this before they pulled the plug.
When someone first floated the idea of having NBA games in stadiums without fans, Lebron James was like, Fuck that shit!
But of course he’s going to say that. He’s Lebron James. His shoe deal alone is worth a billion dollars. He’s producing movies and shit. Some of the rest of these pro athletes can hardly afford to go a week without a paycheck, despite making millions of dollars a year.
I bet if you asked around the league, most guys would rather continue playing, if only so they can continue cashing those checks. They could just test everyone before the game, like on a pr0n film, and maybe not allow any Chinese or Italian players to participate, out of an abundance of caution.
Something else the NBA might have considered: If there’s no fans, why waste the money it would cost to have the game in a stadium? They could just have that shit in a high school gymnasium. I wonder if that occurred to Jared Kushner, who’s crafting the president’s plan to address this epidemic.
I guess the league felt that they had no choice once someone from the Utah Jazz tested positive. He couldn’t have gotten it from banging groupies, if he’s playing out in Utah, right? Most of Karl Malone’s illegitimate children, as I recall, were down in Louisiana.
Maybe a day later, another guy on the Jazz tested positive. That must have raised a few eyebrows in the locker room, especially given how NBA players dress these days. Remember in Spinal Tap when the one guy got herpes on his lip and the next thing you know they all had it?
Both Jazz players were black (natch), which was disappointing to me, because I read on Twitter that black people can’t get coronavirus, and I was hoping that was true. Black people have already suffered so much; we deserve some sort of reprieve.
The one positive in all of this is that, if they cancel everything else, we won’t have to go to work. I know we’re not supposed to admit this in mixed company, but let’s keep it real: We don’t want to work. It’s just not in our nature.
As soon as the weather breaks, it’s time to barbecue, coronavirus be damned!
Take it easy on yourself,