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Serena Williams: Truly a GOAT

Serena Williams: Truly a GOAT
By Byron Crawford • Issue #438 • View online
It’s hardly surprising that Serena Williams continues to dominate girls tennis well into middle age. Just look at her.
She’s significantly stronger than other female athletes, including her sister Venus, and also most guys.
It’s a wonder she’s never been suspected of being on performance-enhancing drugs. Do they even bother to test girls tennis players?
I know they test female track and field athletes. Wasn’t Flo Jo on the juice back in ‘80s? She had fake hair and nails, so I wouldn’t put it past her. She died at a young age back in the late '90s. That may have been from the 'roids, or it may have just been from coke.
But I’d argue that girls track and field is a more valid sport than girls tennis. Girls tennis is mostly notable for the sexy noises the athletes make when they hit the ball (no Boutros) and the sheer range in the athletes’ appearance, from Anna Kournikova all the way down to Billie Jean King.
It’s a testament to the sexiness of Serena Williams’ body that no one suspects her of having a tiny “unit,” like some ostensibly female track athletes in Africa. To their credit, some of them just have very high testosterone. I wonder if that’s from being forced to work outside the home.
As was the case with the ‘roids, we may never know how Serena’s T-levels compare to her peers, and if that played a role in the complications she had in her pregnancy. It doesn’t make sense that she almost died giving birth, when so many other girls who aren’t nearly as physically intimidating manage to give birth just fine.
You can hardly blame the doctors for assuming that she wouldn’t require an epidural, since black women are largely (but not completely) impervious to physical pain, and Serena Williams is no ordinary black woman. There must have been some complicating factor.
Whatever it was, it doesn’t seem to have affected her tennis game. She’s competing in this year’s US Open, even though I thought she retired years ago, and she’s playing at a high level. She beat some white chick no one ever heard of who was supposedly the number two ranked player.
That white chick may have underestimated Serena, thinking she’d be a pushover just because a lot of black women her age can’t walk well. It might be the chemicals they put in their hair seeping into their skin and eating away at the bones in their legs.
I’m just spitballing…
If anything, this girl should have been training extra hard, availing herself of the latest advances in exercise science, like Ivan Drago training to take out Apollo Creed. If Serena dies, she dies. With all due respect.
Tiger Woods was in the building. It must have been difficult for him to watch Serena dominate at this advanced age, given the many mistakes he’s made over the years, from banging girls who work at Perkins to driving a Buick while hopped up on prescription meds, as if he were delivering pizzas in Cape Girardeau, MO.
To think, if he’d gotten with Serena: not only might he still be playing at a high level, but their potential offspring could have dominated some white sport. It would have been all over for ultimate frisbee.
I’m less optimistic about the prospects of the child Serena had with the white guy who invented Reddit. We’ll be lucky if she doesn’t end up in racial chat rooms showing feet.
If King Richard were around, he could teach her how to play tennis. But then, he probably wouldn’t have allowed Serena to get with the guy from Reddit in the first place.
It just goes to show the importance of black fathers.


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Byron Crawford

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