View profile

Send half of the squad to MY house

Internets, In the spirit of the circa '04 blogosphere, I feel it's important to note at the outset th

Life in a Shanty Town

July 19 · Issue #117 · View online
The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions

In the spirit of the circa ‘04 blogosphere, I feel it’s important to note at the outset that the “squad,” in this case, refers to the group of ethnic female congresswomen that the president told to go TF back to Africa, as if he were Sal in Do the Right Thing, not Busta Rhymes’ legendary team of weed carriers, including the underrated Rampage the Last Boy Scout; Spliff Star, who had maybe the best name of any weed carrier; and even, sorta kinda, Roc Marciano.
I wouldn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea about me…
Anyhoo, I don’t follow politics, because I’m only 38 years old, and I didn’t pay enough attention in either high school or college to understand how the government works (I don’t even watch “The Daily Show”), but I see on Twitter that this group has taken to calling themselves The Squad, and as teh ghey guys say when there’s a new Carly Rae Jepsen album out, I’m here for it. I don’t think any good will actually come from this, but I feel like we’re only six weeks out from this devolving into something along the lines of the second Million Vagina March, which, as I recall, was canceled, because the girls who were running it were secretly in cahoots with Farrakhan.
I’m not imagining that, right? That really happened.
I haven’t so much as googled any of the members of The Squad other than Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, whom I google once daily, right before bed. But I happen to know that Ilhan Omar is criticized on the reg for her views on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. She’s a woman after my own heart. At one point, she got into it with The New York Times’ eminently qualified Islamophobia Affairs Columnist Bari Weiss, and I was hoping they would wrestle.
If you haven’t already caught the Bari Weiss issue of Vanity Fair, you might want to have a look. Her looks have improved considerably. She may have had to use an orbital sander, but you can’t argue with the results.
Ilhan Omar, meanwhile, with her little head scarf, calls to mind Monie Love in the “Ladies First” video, if you’re old enough to have any idea of what I’m talking about (if not, just nod along). Which is not a bad look for a black woman! Unless Omar has “Indian in her family,” which is unlikely, since she’s not even from here, it’s likely that the nature of her hair is such that the air of mystery provided by the scarf is more appealing than what lies—er, doesn’t lie—beneath.
The other member of The Squad that I wouldn’t mind shifting gears with is of course Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, or as I like to call her, Sandy. (We know each other.) Cortez is hot by purely objective standards, let alone compared to other female members of Congress, which, I’m not even sure if there are any other hot female members of Congress. Is Tulsi Gabbard in Congress? She’s not bad-looking, and she acquitted herself well on The Joe Rogan Experience. If she comes out in favor of reparations, I might have to kick Marianne Williamson to the curb.
I’ve heard that Cortez is tiny in person, but that’s alright. I’m not trying to reproduce with her; I’m merely trying to simulate the act.
Take it easy on yourself,
P.S. If you like black women, you’ll love my new book Wardrobe Malfunction: Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake and the Power of Desperation. (If you like white women, check out the one before that, Critical Beatdown).

Did you enjoy this issue?
Become a member for $5 per month
Don’t miss out on the other issues by Byron Crawford
You can manage your subscription here
If you were forwarded this newsletter and you like it, you can subscribe here.
Powered by Revue