There was a time when only proud, straight, masculine men could drop successful rap songs and albums, and that time was the 1990s.
Rap music has become increasingly teh ghey since then, culminating in the triumph, this summer, of Tyler the Creator’s IGOR and Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road.”
Even the suspect A$AP Rocky, a/k/a Whatsapp Ricky, is dominating headlines, in part due to the president’s attempt to bail him out of jail in Sweden. On Twitter, Trump pleaded with Swedish Prime Minister Stefan Löfven on behalf of the “African American Community.”
I appreciate the fact that the president is trying to actually do something for black people, unlike Barack Obama, but I feel like it might be necessary to provide him with a list of things we actually want.
I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that I could care less if A$AP Rocky gets out of jail. His tour is over anyway; this could be a good opportunity for him to pause and reflect on his actions.
In a freestyle with Funkmaster Flex, Tyler the Creator offered to switch places with A$AP Rocky, so he could have sex with hot Swedish guys in prison, like in his dreams. Nullus.
He might consider showing up to one of Rocky’s court dates in a jail uniform and trying to pull some sort of switcheroo. They’re probably not around enough black people to be able to distinguish between them.
Elsewhere in this freestyle, Tyler discussed browsing an index, with Funkmaster Flex, looking for guys to bufu. Visibly embarrassed, Flex asked Rocky, “What made you go with that verse?”
Tyler couldn’t freestyle for Mister Cee, because Cee was let go after he got caught cruising for tranny hookers for the umpteenth time. If only they knew the direction rap music was headed, they might have kept him around.
I of course found the Tyler freestyle—but literally none of the hour’s worth of failed comedy preceding it—amusing, but I wonder what the reaction would have been if a straight rapper made a buncha inappropriate sexual remarks about a female DJ…
A few days later, it was announced that Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” has become the longest running #1 song of all time, ahead of Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men’s “One Sweet Day” and “Despacito,” as if there was ever any question.
As was the case with the Kavanaugh confirmation hearings and the Mueller investigation of the president, the media tried to make it seem as if some other song might topple “Old Town Road,” but if you look at the charts, it’s a buncha songs no one ever heard of.
Number two on the Hot 100 is “Bad Guy” by Billie Eilish. I couldn’t tell you what a Billie Eilish song sounds like, but I support her in everything she does. I feel about her the same way Fat Joe once felt about Big Pun. I hope Billie Eilish is around for at least four more years, and I hope she develops the confidence to wear less clothes.
Did anyone else see the picture of Eilish in a wifebeater that was all over Twitter a few weeks ago? I know it’s not appropriate to say this, with Arruh and Jeffrey Epstein both having been arrested recently, but damn! I’d shift gears with her anytime—here in Missouri, where it’s already legal.
The fact that it’s necessary to issue so many disclaimers and qualifiers about something that should be not just accepted by society, but celebrated, just goes to show what a sick, sad world we live in. Lil Nas X can become historically popular singing thinly veiled metaphors about bufuing, but one of the most exciting female artists to come along since Rita Ora has to walk around dressed like Ali G.
If Eilish had a better wardrobe in her video, she could have prevented Lil Nas X from breaking Mariah Carey’s record. I definitely would have done my part. But alas.
Take it easy on yourself,