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Rihanna is no longer of any use to me

Internets, I'm cool with fat women being fat women, if that's what they want to do with their lives,
Rihanna is no longer of any use to me
By Byron Crawford • Issue #16 • View online
Internets,
I’m cool with fat women being fat women, if that’s what they want to do with their lives, but I don’t understand why it’s necessary for height-weight proportional (HWP) women to become gross fatties, as if there aren’t enough fat women in the world.
Statistics, not to mention anecdotal evidence, would suggest otherwise.
Case in point, Rihanna.
I’ve never had much use for Rihanna’s music, not because it’s necessarily bad (though it is), but because I’m a grown-ass man in his mid to late 30s—it’s not appropriate for me to be listening to Rihanna.
But there was a time when I would have made sweet, passionate love to Rihanna, and that time was … I don’t know, at some point prior to 2017.
Truth be told, I’d still bang her, because she’s famous, and you should never turn down a chance to have sex with a famous woman, if only to say you did it. (You should also try to obtain some sort of evidence, but not illegally.)
But I honestly wouldn’t look twice if I saw her walking down the street. She wasn’t my type even back when she had a decent body (not white enough lol), but now she’s starting to look like any ol’ broke hoodrat, like someone I used to work with in fast food.
The other day, she was pictured on the red carpet at the premiere of the movie Valerian, in a dress that seems like it was purposely selected to cover up her gross midsection, and probably her ass, too.
I found myself tempted to reflexively yell, “Hey, Kool-Aid!”
I follow a lot of SJWs and thirsty black dudes on Twitter, from having once been a semi-professional music journalist, so my timeline that day was full of people talking about how good she looked. But obviously they didn’t really mean it. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have been so adamant about it.
When a woman is truly looking good, she’s not being praised by the staff of Jezebel; she’s being praised by guys on various NSFW subreddits.
Not that a woman can’t look good carrying a few extra pounds. Many girls with especially large cans—the most valued members of our society—are a bit zaftig, and god bless them for it.
The problem with Rihanna is that she wasn’t meant to carry around much excess body weight. She doesn’t have the body type for it. Her cans don’t grow when she packs on a few pounds. They just start to look like armpit fat.
I don’t follow celebrity news closely enough to know if she’s commented on the matter, but I can’t imagine she’s happy with how she looks, and my fear is that this could become what’s known in the therapy community as a vicious cycle.
For the past few years, Rihanna has been singing a lot about pot-smoking, which is a gross habit for a woman, and I suspect that all of this pot-smoking is causing her to gorge herself on fast food. (I hear that’s a thing that happens.)
The resulting weight gain, if it causes her to self-medicate with weed, will only lead to even more stuffing her face with fast food, and the next thing you know she’ll be out here looking like Jill Scott, leaking National Geographic-esque noodz during the next Fappening.
Her Arab boyfriend might need to have a talk with her, maybe threaten to sic one of his pet tigers on her if she doesn’t get her act together. Whatever he does, he better not take her to see Salt Bae. Not only will he feed her steak, he might slip her the hot beef injection.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

Update
The NAACP has issued its first-ever travel advisory for an entire state, for my native Missouri, citing, in part, the gestapo-like tactics of the police here in the STL, as discussed in Operation: Doomsday and Addendum: The Crackdown Begins.
What did I tell you?
Spotlight
Check out this picture Theotis Jones drew of the late, great Sean Price.
The late, great Sean Price (Credit: Infinite Mind Warp)
The late, great Sean Price (Credit: Infinite Mind Warp)
Also in sexism
My latest blog post, ICYMI:
Rick Ross respects women too much to sign a female rapper to MMG
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Byron Crawford

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