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Real men don't listen to house music

Real men don't listen to house music
By Byron Crawford • Issue #418 • View online
It’s sometimes necessary to go to nightclubs, because that’s where some of the most nubile, pliant women can be found, but you should avoid listening to the music they play in nightclubs if at all possible.
Wear a pair of knockoff AirPods made by Jabra, with which you can listen to something appropriate, like Jedi Mind Tricks. If anyone asks, tell them you’re expecting an important phone call. They’ll assume it’s something money-related and consider having sex with you.
It might be necessary to wear earbuds everywhere you go this summer, if people insist on playing new albums by Drake and Beyoncé, both of which supposedly feature early-‘90s-style house music beats.
Beyoncé’s new single “Break My Soul,” I hear, features a sample of the song “Show Me Love” by Robin S, not to be confused with Hipster Music Mafia cause célèbre Robyn, who also had a song called “Show Me Love.” How was that even allowed?
I don’t listen to house music, but I’ll admit to having heard the (ostensibly) black version of “Show Me Love” literally a million times. As a young child back in the early '90s, I watched every single episode of “The Grind,” from when it was called “Club MTV” until went off the air, and I knew a lot of the songs they played by heart, including the best song they ever played, “Another Night” by Real McCoy. Nullus.
TMZ tracked down Robin S, who, I’m pleased to note, isn’t dead of Covid or doing anything strange for drug money that I’m aware of. She looks more like Jill Scott than I can recall. I wonder if they had a height-weight proportional woman who played her part in music videos. C+C had a hot chick who pretended to sing live on stage, while the fat woman who actually sang on the records stood behind a curtain.
Robin S says her phone has been ringing off the hook ever since the new Beyoncé dropped, and it’s not just people from the credit card company wanting to know if that’s still her phone number or if it’s necessary to try to call her at work. How embarrassing. Maybe she’ll go viral on TikTok, like Kate Bush, whose “Running Up That Hill” is currently one of the top songs on Spotify, up there with songs by “Bad Bunny,” BTS and various child gangbangers.
It remains to be seen whether anyone will continue to listen to the new Drake album beyond the point at which it’s necessary in order to create content. Literally no one seems to like it other than Joe Budden. (I’ve checked Twitter multiple times since it was released.) Budden, who’s struggled with substance abuse since his youth, used to hang out in clubs in New Jersey where they play obscure, regional dance music, so it might have a certain nostalgic value for him that it lacks for the rest of us.
Drake, on Instagram or somewhere, said he isn’t bothered that no one likes his new album. He’s hoping that people will eventually come around to it. He’s also threatened to drop another EP along the lines of Scary Hours, with more traditional-sounding rap songs on it. The fact that he has a contingency plan in place suggests to me that he realizes that he goofed and that things might be fucked. He switched his style up in the first place because no one gave a shit about Certified Lover Boy, and what’s the likelihood that people will listen to Honestly, Nevermind long enough for it to grow on them? No one still listens to that new Kendrick Lamar album, do they?
I’ll be glad if everyone just pretends this new Drake album didn’t happen, if only because then I won’t have to hear it. I survived 1993 once already.

 

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