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Only DJ Envy is allowed to disrespect DJ Envy's wife

Internets, I hope, for the sake of DJ Envy's bottom line, that his wife appreciates the lengths he's

Life in a Shanty Town

March 16 · Issue #47 · View online
The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions

I hope, for the sake of DJ Envy’s bottom line, that his wife appreciates the lengths he’s willing to go to to make it seem as if he gives a shit about her feelings.
Many men wouldn’t have been willing to get up and storm out of the room during a heated debate about a largely misconstrued joke on an obscure late night comedy show, for fear that they’d look like a whiny little bitch.
If Envy’s wife was thinking about divorcing him and splitting his bucks, which seems to be the real concern here, maybe she’ll reconsider just based on considerate he is. Or worst case scenario, if they do end up in divorce court, maybe Envy can play video of yesterday’s incident for the judge, in a bid for some sort of lenience. At the very least, it could function as a mitigating factor if his wife’s lawyer introduces, as evidence, text messages from Envy’s jumpoff or video of him being penetrated with a strap-on.
There could be quite a bit of money at stake. If you consult the Google re: DJ Envy’s house you get pictures of some ridonkulous house in New Jersey that looks like the kind of place where Mike Tyson might be living if his life hadn’t been ruined by Don King, Robin Givens and Desiree Washington—this despite the fact that Envy contributes little of any real value to the Breakfast Club other than introducing the guests. Charlamagne Tha God could do that himself.
Or if they just had to have at least three people in the room, for it to be considered a legit breakfast club, they could hire any number of other moderately articulate light-skinted black guys. That could be a job for Mero if and when “Desus & Mero” is pulled from Viceland. Mero bears enough of a resemblance to Envy that if neither of them knows their father—a distinct possibility in the black, er, black-adjacent, community—they might actually be brothers.
Power 105 parent company iHeartRadio might consider ditching a co-host anyway, as part of its “reorganization” under Chapter 11 bankruptcy. At the very least, that would free up whatever they’re paying DJ Envy, i.e. probably quite a bit of money for a bum like me, but not enough to get them out of $20 billion in debt. I’m at a loss for how they can save any money otherwise, I mean if they’re already running the exact same morning show on like 100 stations.
Which raises the question: How could iHeartRadio possibly be $20 billion in debt if they’ve got three people doing jobs that would normally be filled by … if my math is correct here, 300 people? You’d think they wouldn’t be affected by the fact that the labels, “disrupted” by the Internets, can’t afford to pay radio stations money out the ass to play garbage rap music that no one really likes, since it’s illegal for radio stations to accept payola anyway. Hmm…
I wonder if DJ Envy realizes just how precarious his situation is—both his job and his relationship could be at stake—and that’s what led him to pretend to be so upset with Desus and Mero, the thinking being that maybe he could rescue his marriage and demonstrate his value to his corporate overlords in one fell swoop. Obviously he wasn’t that upset about what Desus said about his wife, or else he would have confronted him about it long before yesterday morning’s show.
Is “Desus & Mero” not shot in the same offices where they shot the Untitled Action Bronson Show? Envy could have confronted them there. Even if he didn’t put a shoe on them he could have potentially threatened their employment. As revealed in a recent Action Bronson hit piece in Spin, the people who work there are very wary of cisgender heterosexual men causing a disturbance in the cocoon-like environment they’ve constructed for themselves. They already had to have a meeting about Bronson, and he’s not even black!
Take it easy on yourself,

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