View profile

Of course America's dad is in prison

Internets, As I'm writing this, Brett Kavanaugh is within hours of being confirmed to the Supreme Cou
Of course America's dad is in prison
By Byron Crawford • Issue #75 • View online
Internets,
As I’m writing this, Brett Kavanaugh is within hours of being confirmed to the Supreme Court, while Bill Cosby is in a maximum security prison in Pennsylvania dodging stale hot dog buns.
It’s getting to the point where even I’m at a loss for what to make of any of this.
Fortunately, I’m still out of a job, so I don’t have shit else better to do than try to find a way to persevere.
I read on TMZ that Bill Cosby might get one of those jobs making license plates for $0.45 an hour.
One of the more common jobs for prisoners is booking flights and hotels over the phone. Imagine calling to book a hotel room and the motherfucking Cos answers the phone.
He probably knows all of the best hotel rooms, from his years as the world’s most prolific serial rapist. He knows the numbers of the rooms with windows facing the highway.
It doesn’t really make sense that he would need such a menial job, since he’s got like a billion dollars. Can’t his wife just put a million dollars on his books? He could buy ramen noodles for the whole prison!
My fear is that, since he was frogmarched straight from the courtroom to the pokey, he may not have been able to put systems in place to keep his wife from absconding with his money.
Obviously, the Cos wasn’t prepared to be hit with what could very well be a life sentence, or else he could have long since hopped a plane to the same island where Russell Simmons is hiding out.
Bali has no extradition treaty with the US, and I’m assuming the “action” down there is pretty decent. Simmons, who has superior eyesight, could have prevented the Cos from scoring with any ladyboys.
Cosby’s wife, Camille, has a haircut like a guy, despite his income, so there’s a distinct possibility that she’ll run off with another woman. She might already be involved in that kind of activity, which would explain quite a bit.
If there’s one thing I think we can all agree on, it’s that the Cos is straight. Hopefully that continues to be the case during his bid. I’d hate for him to get a taste of his own Jello pudding, so to speak.
I read, the other day, that someone threw a stale hot dog bun at his head, and I wonder if that was intended to be symbolic, not unlike the popular GIF of a girl, asleep on a couch (like one of the Cos’ victims), being bombarded by hot dogs.
The aforementioned TMZ caught up with OJ Simpson, who said the Cos better watch his back, because sex offenders are looked down upon in prison, let alone black guys with like 80 white (alleged) victims.
They’ve got the Cos in “gen pop,” in a maximum security prison, in part because the judge said he’s mentally ill and likely to reoffend. Who is he to judge! Do we even know for a fact that the Cos can get a rod without Viagra? Pause.
Anyway, the only hetero sex assault you can pull in prison is the one where you stand there with your unit out when a female guard walks past your cell—which, arguably, that’s what she gets for being in your private quarters. No Brett Kavanaugh.
I remember seeing somewhere, maybe in that ESPN doc, that OJ was the MFN man in prison. The rest of the brothers in the joint didn’t give him a hard time, because they knew he was there on some ol’ bullshit. Hopefully, that’s also the case with the Cos.
I’m not saying the Cos isn’t guilty of any number of crimes. (We just don’t have any way of knowing.) I’m just saying. Who ever heard of getting locked up on the basis of a sealed deposition and unsubstantiated allegations from unrelated incidents.
If only Johnny Cochran were still alive.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

 

Did you enjoy this issue?
Byron Crawford

A free, weekly email newsletter from the pioneering hip-hop blogger and author of books like Infinite Crab Meats and No Country for Black Men, with topics including racism, homophobia, healthy living, respect for women, tolerance for religion and who really runs the music industry

If you don't want these updates anymore, please unsubscribe here
If you were forwarded this newsletter and you like it, you can subscribe here
Powered by Revue