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Not today, Lil Nas X

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Life in a Shanty Town

April 2 · Issue #291 · View online
The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions

Internets,
I’ve yet to see Lil Nas X’s video for the song “Montero (Call Me By Your Name),” and I might never see it, but not because I think it’s inappropriate for a proud hetero brother of a certain age to watch a music video in which a tiny teh ghey black cowboy gyrates on on a stripper pole and bufus Satan.
This is 2021.
I’m actually more concerned with the fact that I read on Twitter that the “Montero” video is a ripoff of an FKA Twigs video called “Cellophane.” Quite simply, I can’t lend tacit support to such a blatant act of “misognyoir,” and I’m disappointed—but not surprised—to see that apparently I’m the only one who feels this way.
Once again, the Internets’ utter lack of concern for black women has been made plain to see!
I haven’t seen the “Cellophane” video either, in part because something tells me there’s no bufuing in it (but perhaps there’s pole dancing?), but I might have a look when I get done typing this, if only to see FKA Twigs, to whom I’m attracted.
Weird teeth aside, FKA Twigs might be the hottest black chick in the game right now. If this were the 1980s, she’d be much less of an anonymous figure in the black community than she is. She looks like how you’d imagine the offspring of Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz would look, whereas Zoe Kravitz kinda looks like a guy.
I never paid any attention to Twigs until I had to research her for something I was writing on how Shia LaBeouf allegedly put a shoe on her. I consulted Google Images, and I was like, damn!
I was only aware that she had an abnormally long neck, which is hardly a dealbreaker and might even be of some use. Part of the problem may have been that Pitchfork intentionally uses unflattering photos to illustrate articles on female artists. You’d hardly know how well-built Angel Olsen is, reading Pitchfork.
I’d be willing to have words with Shia LaBeouf, if necessary, but only if I knew for a fact that FKA Twigs would be sufficiently appreciative. That’s just basic dating strategy, and the kind of hard-won wisdom that comes from being in my 40s now. If only I could have spoken with Quavo before he bought Saweetie that Bentley.
FKA Twigs has had issues with multiple white guys, and it might be time for her to return to the fold, so to speak. My concern is that she might view this experience with Lil Nas X ripping off her video as representative of how black men treat black women, when in fact nothing about Lil Nas X is representative of black men.
Rest assured, Twigs. Hardly any of us approve of Lil Nas X. We knew he was on some ol’ bullshit when he stole his name from Nas, who was once one of the greatest rappers of all time.
And I’m sure many of us were highly upset to see how he desecrated the Nike Air Max by putting some teh ghey Illluminati statement beneath the Swooshtika and putting a drop of (possibly tainted) blood in the little air pocket in the heel that helps a brother slam dunk a basketball or whatever.
I know Nike issued a cease and desist, and I hope they sue him into Bolivia. They might be hesitant, for fear of being seen as homophobic. I’d encourage them to throw the book at him, in a non-sexual sort of way, as part of their ongoing commitment to combating white supremacy.
Or was that Colin Kaepernick ad just a huge pack of lies?
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

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