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Mo'Nique is the best female comedian of all time

Internets, The idea that Netflix would give Mo'Nique, or any female comedian for that matter, $500,00
Mo'Nique is the best female comedian of all time
By Byron Crawford • Issue #41 • View online
Internets,
The idea that Netflix would give Mo'Nique, or any female comedian for that matter, $500,000 seemed ridiculous to me, until she called for black people to boycott the popular streaming video service. Now I’m upset that they would offer her such a paltry sum. Clearly, she’s an excellent comedian.
I’m all for paying Mo'Nique as much as they paid Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle (i.e. all the money in the world), if not more, provided her special(s) consist entirely of at least somewhat specious accusations of discrimination against white-owned-and-operated media outlets, a little stool-humping, some “crowd work” and maybe a reenactment from the movie Precious, as a finale.
I’d even be willing to pay a little bit extra to make that happen, except that obviously I don’t pay for Netflix.
Not that Netflix gives a shit. They don’t need my $10, because they already make like a billion dollars a month. They’re almost as rich as Jeff Bezos. According to the Google, Netflix has 104 million paying subscribers (and no bullshit free ad-supported version like Spotify). Multiplied by 10, that might actually be a billion dollars a month. (It’s impossible to say without using a calculator.) In other words, they make so much money that they’ve somehow managed to render hyperbole insufficient.
Imagine how much money they’d have if most people who used it actually paid for it.
In fact, I wonder if that’s not part of the reason why Mo'Nique couldn’t get more than $500,000. Maybe it just didn’t make sense for them to cut her a check for tens of millions of dollars, if only a small handful of black people actually pay for Netflix.
They paid Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle that much, but that’s because white people fuxwit Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle heavy. White people were never so amused as they were when Chris Rock broke down the difference between black people and [the dreaded n-word]. Dave Chappelle could hardly concentrate on the set of “Chappelle’s Show,” for all the CACs chuckling to themselves in the background.
We know that Netflix has extensive, detailed data on the demographic characteristics of its users, because any time you watch something that’s even remotely black-related it fills your entire queue with the most obscure black media imaginable, including numerous direct-to-DVD sequels to the movie the Inkwell (e.g. Return to the Inkwell), hood movies starring Hill Harper, of all people, and Katt Williams-produced standup comedy specials with people who look like they just got out of jail.
At the very least, Mo'Nique should get more than Amy Schumer got. Amy Schumer got $11 million for her Netflix special, plus an additional $2 million affirmative action surcharge, and she’s not even a comedian! Amy Schumer was an actress who realized that it would be easier to break into Hollywood if people thought she was a comedian, so she paid a few guys to write her some jokes (and also stole a few jokes from obscure female comics), and now she’s out here cashing checks for eight-figure amounts.
Her “Leather Special” ended up being so bad that Netflix had to change its entire rating system just so people wouldn’t realize how bad it was. They spent entirely too much money on that special for people to not watch it just because it wasn’t any good. It was the comedic equivalent of the suit Ol’ Dirty wore to the ‘98 Grammys. Imagine being paid $13 million to come up with something so inept that it caused a billion-dollar-a-month company to have to change the way it does business.
If Mo'Nique can’t convince Netflix to give her more than half a million dollars, she might consider trying to guilt trip Amy Schumer into signing over the $2 million affirmative action surcharge she received after it was revealed how much more they were paying Chris Rock, not unlike how Marky Mark Wahlberg was forced to donate his All the Money in the World reshoot fee to the Time’s Up legal defense fund.
We know, from her work in the movie Precious, that she’s skilled in the fine art of bullying fat chicks.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

 

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