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Machine Gun Kelly can't help his enthusiasm

Machine Gun Kelly can't help his enthusiasm
By Byron Crawford • Issue #392 • View online
Internets,
Machine Gun Kelly was loved properly by a black woman, and he felt compelled to share his joy with the world, on the red carpet at the BET Awards in 2012.
He was interrupted, which was unfortunate, and some of his remarks may have been inappropriate given the nature of the event, but that doesn’t mean that anything he said was untrue.
Sometimes, when you’re not used to receiving compliments, they can be difficult to accept. You feel as if someone’s trying to make fun of you.
We should resist the urge to view Kelly’s remarks as anything other than deserved praise for black women, the strongest, least susceptible to pain, most nurturing race of women—nature’s designated caregivers.
Certainly, Machine Gun Kelly shouldn’t be listed on the poster for this year’s Lollapalooza below Joyner Lucas, whoever that is, nor should he be paid less to perform.
On the red carpet at the BET Awards, back in 2012, some black chick stopped him to ask a few questions. She was obviously down with the swirl. (It wasn’t my fantasy girlfriend, Julia Beverly from Ozone magazine.)
She said she heard that he liked chocolate, or something to that effect, i.e. that he’s into black chicks. Nothing like a little affirmation. (I need it myself sometimes.) Kelly pointed out that his child is half-black, and that black chicks give the best blowskis.
Admittedly, this was an odd conversation to drag his daughter into. Some of our more upset social media commentators pointed out that Kelly’s daughter likely identifies as black (and also as a unicorn, this being 2022). Does he mean to suggest that she gives the best blowskis? Gross!
It’s also been suggested that Kelly fetishizes black women. Does he even like black women for anything other than their ability to give a mean blowski? I’d be curious to know if he owns any Keith Sweat CDs. Is he subscribed to the Nissan Altima subreddit? Does he dine out in delicious chain restaurants and torment the wait staff for shits and giggles?
Meanwhile, Joyner Lucas is actually more concerned that Machine Gun Kelly is a headliner at this year’s Lollapalooza, while Lucas himself is performing on a stage Lolla runs for charity, to get a tax refund from the state. He goes on at one in the afternoon, before they’re legally allowed to sell beer.
He is getting paid for the weekend, but he also has to work in addition to his performance. He has to don an orange safety vest and post up alongside a fence on the far side of the park. He’ll have a walkie talkie, and if anyone tries to jump the fence it’s his job to call a middle-aged white guy who works for the parks department, who rolls up on a golf cart with a taser.
No but really, his concern is that Machine Gun Kelly is white and wears nail polish, which is a perfectly valid criticism and makes me want to actually listen to his music. Does he keep that same energy in his rhymes, as if this were 1998? Even if he does, he’s probably not rhyming over boom bap, so I can’t allow his music in my house. Sorry, those are the rules.
Lucas is no longer performing at Lollapalooza, and it doesn’t sound like he removed himself from the lineup on principle. According to the headline of some article, he requested to be removed, but I see he’s on Twitter copping a plea, claiming to have been hacked. His social worker must have insisted that he delete the original tweets, lest he’s disinvited from from any other charity events at which he’s been booked.
My thoughts and prayers are with Joyner Lucas, who must be disappointed this weekend, for a number of reasons. At times like this, I’m sure he could use some comfort. I’d suggest a specific kind of comfort, and who might be able to provide it, but I wouldn’t want to suggest that a certain group excels at that sort of thing, because apparently we’re not allowed to.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

 

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