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Lil Nas X is the gay rapper

Internets, I was shocked, the other day, to learn that Lil Nas X is gay, and I'm sure it'll be even m
Lil Nas X is the gay rapper
By Byron Crawford • Issue #115 • View online
Internets,
I was shocked, the other day, to learn that Lil Nas X is gay, and I’m sure it’ll be even more of a surprise when it’s revealed that “Old Town Road” is an extended metaphor for bufuing.
To think, they play this shit in elementary schools.
Lil Nas X’s announcement came at the very end of Pride Month, which, even before this shocking news, was becoming an ordeal on a par with the Vietnam War—it seemed like it would never end.
If Omar Mateen hadn’t already shot up the Pulse nightclub, upset at the sight of two guys kissing, causing him to pop a semi- in front of his father and his young, impressionable son, Pride 2019 almost certainly would have driven him over the edge.
It seems like, as recently as 2018, Pride was a parade, as mentioned by Eli Porter in his legendary battle with Envy. Teh ghey guys in buttless chaps would dance in the street to Diana Ross or whatever, in some rapidly gentrifying area that was, fortunately (for traffic purposes), not anywhere near where I live.
Now it’s all over TV, and in any number of stores and restaurants. They’ve completely taken over Target. The parade, apparently, just goes on all month long, as if it’s Burning Man.
Not that I have a problem with people going to great lengths to inform the world of their particular sexual interests, expecting everyone to approve, and pursuing punitive measures against anyone who so much as fails to master the related terminology—it’s exactly how I choose to live my own life, minus the being teh ghey part. I’m just saying. It went from a parade to a whole month, in the span of a year. What’s next?
I don’t know for a fact that “Old Town Road” is an extended metaphor for bufuing, but I’m thinking it might be, after Lil Nas X made it a point to note, shortly after the announcement that he’s teh qhey, that the song is “literally about horses.”
I don’t interact with young people regularly enough to know if there’s a rumor going around, possibly on Snapchat, that “Old Town Road” is really about giving it to another guy hard, “up the coat,” akin to the rumor, spread by some blog back in the mid ‘00s, that the song “Me & U” by Cassie is about giving a guy a blowski.
I do have a few younger relatives, but it’s obvious to me, when I interact with them, that their parents have been using me as a cautionary tale of what happens when you don’t “apply yourself.” I’d be wary of broaching the subject of bufuing with them, lest word got back to the authorities.
It could be a moot point, if things continue in the direction they’re headed. “Old Town Road” is within a week or two of becoming the longest-running number one song on the Billboard Hot 100 of all time, beating out Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men’s godawful “One Sweet Day,” which itself was a tribute to teh ghey guys who died of AIDS, before there was a pill you can take that reduces the disease to a mere inconvenience, hence, perhaps, the increasingly lit nature of Pride.
Doing whatever it takes to get money is central to the hip-hop ethos, and bufuing is what’s hot in these streets, both literally and figuratively. The only solution might be to elect either Andrew Yang, who’s offering a $1,000 monthly “freedom dividend,” or Marianne Williamson, who’s promised reparations for black people, or maybe both of them on the same ticket, which for me would be a “twofer.”
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol
P.S. Janet Jackson was being inappropriate in public before it was all trendy. Read all about it in my new book Wardrobe Malfunction, now available in paperback and ebook.

 

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