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Kevin Hart stood tall, despite physical limitations

Internets, I never thought I'd be giving props to Kevin Hart, and yet here I am. I have no use for th
Kevin Hart stood tall, despite physical limitations
By Byron Crawford • Issue #85 • View online
Internets,
I never thought I’d be giving props to Kevin Hart, and yet here I am.
I have no use for the man’s comedy, and I’m not sure what use he would be otherwise, because he’s so small in stature (can he ride a horse?), but I appreciate the fact that he stood on principle, and maybe a footstool, in refusing to issue an apology that the teh ghey community had no intention of accepting anyway.
The other day, it was announced that Hart had been hired to host the Oscars. I wasn’t sweating this news, because obviously I’m not about to watch the Oscars, and I’m definitely not about to watch if Kevin Hart is hosting.
I’m sure the members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, however, were all set to spend the weekend patting themselves on the back, and elsewhere, if only for the fact that they’d hired a black guy to host. This would provide some cover in case no black people won awards.
Last year, at least one and a half black people won Oscars (Jordan Peele and Kobe Bryant, of all people), which is about as many as they allow in any given year (in ‘02, Denzel and Halle Berry won the two main acting awards, and Sidney Poitier was given an honorary award—that was our peak as a race), so we’re not really due again until like 2021.
I’ve heard some rumblings about Black Panther, which is such a mediocre movie; BlacKkKlansman, which obviously they’re not about to give Best Picture to a Spike Lee movie about the Klan (I don’t care if he does work for both Nike and the NYPD now); and Crazy Rich Asians, which only made like $200,000 in China, and not because it was heavily bootlegged. (Everything in China is heavily bootlegged.) Apparently, the actual Chinese, in China, find it highly offensive for some reason.
The latter, I’m thinking, might have to do with Awkwafina’s blackface routine. If this is true, then maybe black women really should date Asian men, as suggested in a controversial blog post by OkCupid. They could commiserate about their hatred of Awkwafina. Something else to consider: Black women have smaller vagines than white women (even before the profligate behavior in college), and Asian men have smaller peens than literally everyone. Nullus.
But I digress.
The Oscars telecast airs in like two months, so you’d think they would have hired a host a long time ago. I wonder if that’s because, a while back, when black chicks on Twitter were bitching and moaning about there not being enough black nominees, they brought in a black woman to function as nominal figurehead, for PR purposes, and she didn’t have a good sense of when things needed to get done. If so, their mistake may have been having her actually run things, which would explain how they ended up with such an unfunny comedian as host.
Now they’re gonna have to find someone else. After it was announced that Kevin Hart would be hosting the Oscars, some salty teh ghey guy went on Twitter and dug up an admittedly impressive number of tweets of the comedian calling people the other f-word, threatening to beat up his son for playing with girls toys, so on and so forth.
The Academy got wind of this and ordered Hart to issue an apology, or else he’d be fired. Hart simply refused, which was the right move, regardless of how he actually felt. As discussed in Critical Beatdown, you should never issue an apology to someone who publicly demands an apology from you. That’s just giving them an opportunity to say your apology wasn’t good enough, and therefore you should still be fired.
I can’t think of a situation in which that exact chain of events didn’t transpire, after someone was ordered to issue an apology. Thanks to the #MeToo movement, I could offer an entire separate email newsletter full of cases in point. Once a situation gets to the point where you’re being forced to apologize, that means they don’t want anything to do with you ever again, and they’re just trying to embarrass you.
Perhaps realizing this, Kevin Hart announced last night that he was stepping down from the Oscar-hosting gig. He did issue an apology after the fact, but I’m assuming that was just to protect his movie roles and his standup gigs, where he makes his real money. I consider this less a moral failing than a tacit acknowledgement that black people don’t run anything in Hollywood.
But at least no one’s saying any bad words, right?
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

 

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