There’s so much going on in the world this week, what with the release of the new Kanye album (I hear it’s brilliant) and the president getting impeached by my boo Tulsi Gabbard, but of course the fight between Bhad Bhabie and Woah Vicky takes precedence.
I was surprised to see that there was another Bhad Bhabie-Woah Vicky fight, after their legendary showdown at the mall, a while back, egged on by the legendary Lil Tay. Were their handlers not aware that someone could have been killed?
White rapper beef is more intense, at least in terms of the personal animosity, than beef between black rappers, and girl fights are more vicious, and usually more fun to watch, than fights between guys.
If girl fights result in less bodily damage, it’s only because women are too physically weak to be truly dangerous. If they had the same strength as a male child, let alone a grown-ass man, they’d be deadly. Literally every girl fight would result in a fatality.
Bhabie and Vicky may have been recording in adjacent studios, spitting hot fire, putting it down on the reel to reel like circa ‘91 Large Professor, with whom I’m sure they’re not familiar, when one of them, probably Bhad Bhabie, stepped out into the hallway to smoke a menthol cigarette and saw the other one.
Something similar happened to Ja Rule and 50 Cent back in the early '00s. One of them spotted the other one recording in the next studio over, someone cut the lights, and 50 Cent was stabbed by Ja Rule’s weed carrier, Black Something Or Other.
If Black Something Or Other’s nom de ganja-toting was a nod to his complexion, 50 Cent probably never saw him coming, especially if he had his mouth closed.
Bhad Bhabie seems to have been the aggressor in the fight video that hit the Internets the other day, and it’s not clear how she lost so decisively, if she was the one who threw the first punch.
Usually, in a street fight, whoever throws the first punch wins, especially if neither person really knows what they’re doing, or they’re both wasted, or all of the above. Not that I necessarily need to explain this. I’m sure many of you went to college.
The video begins with Woah Vicky already on top of Bhad Bhabie, just like in my dreams. (No Arruh.) Woah Vicky isn’t much bigger than Bhad Bhabie, but she might have stronger legs. She became (Internets-) famous in the first place because she took a DNA test and come to find out she’s damn near 50% black, despite not looking black in the least bit.
Depending on how she worded her tweet (“I just took a DNA test…”), she might need to sue Lizzo for publishing on “Truth Hurts.” But I definitely wouldn’t recommend challenging Lizzo to a fight. That would be like taunting a rhinoceros, except more dangerous.
I of course felt a certain spiritual kinship with the guys who stood idly by, chuckling at the sight of two girls going at it (no Boutros) and recording video with their phones. One guy added his Twitter handle to the video, as a watermark. Hopefully, he’s not picked up for contributing to the delinquency of a minor.
The most important moment of the video, philosophically, was when Bhad Bhabie complained that Woah Vicky wouldn’t get off of her, so that she could more effectively put a shoe on Woah Vicky.
Surprisingly, the “cash me ousside” girl apparently has no idea how a fight works. Was she not kicking people’s asses in the streets before she went on “Dr. Phil” and became a rapper?
Fortunately, no one gives a shit about whether or not Bhad Bhabie can fight. It’s even less important than whether or not she can rap.
It would be cool to have a girlfriend who was like the circa '86 Mike Tyson of hot chicks, i.e. fearsome and vicious, with an impregnable defense, so you could sic her on women you don’t like, but it’s definitely not high on my list of things I look for in a woman. If worse comes to worst, I can always beat up a woman myself. Ha ha just kidding.
You guys know I would never be involved in a dispute that involved anything other than me bad-mouthing someone from the comfort, and security, of my mom’s basement.
Take it easy on yourself,