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Internets, This week, it was revealed in a bombshell report in Buzzfeed that R. Kelly is holding aspi

Life in a Shanty Town

July 21 · Issue #14 · View online
The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions

This week, it was revealed in a bombshell report in Buzzfeed that R. Kelly is holding aspiring female R&B singers captive in a rented McMansion in Duluth, GA, touching off tsunami-like waves of virtue signaling, the likes of which hadn’t been seen since at least as far back as the Million Vagina March.
Hardly anyone on my timeline didn’t take the opportunity to announce that they’re officially against guys in their 50s making sweet, passionate love to underage girls, regardless of whether or not that’s what was being alleged here, and I follow some true scumbags.
The most interesting thing about the article, to me, is that they didn’t find a single thing R. Kelly did that was illegal. I kept waiting to read that Arruh is back peeing on 8th graders, not because that’s the kind of thing I like to read about, but because I figured there couldn’t be that much outrage for what essentially amounts to fake news.
I was sadly mistaken. In fact, it’s actually kind of amazing that they couldn’t catch Arruh breaking the law, given the amount of fuckery he’s involved in. He’s got girls stashed away in houses all over the place, as if he were Sam Jackson in the movie Jackie Brown, but they’re all either in Georgia or Illinois, where the age of consent is 17.
One of his youngest aspiring female R&B singers is from, you guessed it, Florida, where the age of consent is an oppressive 18, but he’s somehow managed to avoid getting caught transporting a minor across state lines for, uh, immoral purposes. Arruh’s spiritual predecessor Chuck Berry got hit with that back in the ’50s, in a case that, like this Buzzfeed article, seemed racially motivated.
Arguably, Arruh deserves credit for being so careful not to be in violation of the law, even if it’s only because he can’t afford to cut as many settlement checks as he did back in the ‘90s. It can’t be a mere accident that so many aspects of his operation appear to be on the up and up, and it can’t be easy for someone who can’t read to keep all of his ducks in a row like that. There’s a certain level of commitment on display here.
Maybe this is just me being a guy who applies adhesive labels to cardboard boxes for a living, but it seems like it would cost quite a bit to have several girls stashed away in a few different places, one of which is Trump Tower in Chicago.
It seems like it would be a lot cheaper to meet girls backstage at a show, take them to a hotel room, make sweet, passionate love to them and get them a cab ride home. If you play your cards right, you could probably get away with not spending any more than the cost of the hotel room and that cab ride—and you’re gonna need that hotel room anyway (to sleep in during your refractory period).
On the other hand, keeping a rotation of, say, seven aspiring female R&B singers—one for each day of the week—would spare Arruh the hassle of having to find out how old they are more than once. According to, if I’m not mistaken, the transitive property of mathematics, if a girl is old enough to legally have sex with today, she’ll still be old enough to legally have sex with two weeks from now.
Plus, Arruh has fairly specialized sexual needs. According to the article, he has an older aspiring R&B singer, possibly a former member of Destiny’s Child, whose job it is to teach her more acceptable counterparts about his various proclivities, including how to get peed on properly. (When you flinch or dodge it completely, it ruins it for the guy.) It probably takes a while for a girl to complete the entire grooming process.
One of the girls’ parents gave a press conference the other day, begging their daughter to come home, which raises the question: If you didn’t want your daughter to become one of Arruh’s sex slaves, why did you drop her off at his house? What do you think goes on there? Sex metaphors aren’t the only thing being abused in R. Kelly’s kitchen.
The thing is, the girl was like 19 when she got with R. Kelly, and she’s 21 now, so she really doesn’t have any business living at home with her parents anyway. I could see if she were a male child with no prospects and a debilitating video game habit, but presumably she’s a fairly attractive young lady. She can move back in with her parents when she hits the wall and men don’t want anything to do with her.
Her parents are obviously just trying to get some money out of Arruh. The dead giveaway is the fact that they didn’t go try to get her themselves. If my daughter was being held captive by R. Kelly, and it really was a matter of her not being able to consent, not a grown-ass woman engaging in perfectly legal acts that I might not personally approve (as if there’s a right way for your child to have sex), I’d just go to his house and pull a Liam Neeson.
Buzzfeed has pictures of both of the places where Arruh keeps his playthings, which means that they must know where these places are. Finding that out would only be a matter of placing a call to Buzzfeed Headquarters. In fact, I’m not sure why they didn’t just include the addresses in the article. I mean, since they care so much about black women’s well-being. If the parents won’t go down there, certainly someone from Black People Twitter will.
If only there was a way to rectify this situation that didn’t involve going outside in this heat.
Take it easy on yourself,
P.S. Before they were trying to get him arrested, Buzzfeed trafficked in more crypto-racist ironic appreciation of Arruh’s bizarre, silly music than any other site on the Internets. A Google search for the string “ignition remix” alone turns up 332 results, all of which were published subsequent to allegations against him being widely publicized. They also once ran an article about how the “Ignition” remix was written years before the original, umpteen years after the fact, even though it says that in the damn song.

Addendum: The Crackdown Begins
What's Good with Stretch & Bobbito
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