I was disheartened to see once-credible publications like the New York Times and the Atlantic run articles critical of the shocking exposé on Aziz Ansari just because nothing really bad happened to the alleged victim, let alone anything worth potentially destroying his career.
As one of our most astute commentators, Taylor Swift, once said, there’s a special place in hell reserved for women who don’t support other women.
The other day, a website called Babe, my new homepage, ran an article called, “I went on a date with Aziz Ansari. It turned into the worst night of my life.” Chances are you’ve heard of it. It’s somehow managed to dominate the news cycle for an entire week, at a time when even things like the nuclear false alarm in Hawaii and Trump’s “shithole” remarks were out of the news in a day or two.
It tells the story of an evening a girl they’re calling Grace spent with Aziz Ansari in New York after meeting him at an Emmy’s after-party in LA this past fall. Aziz took her back to his place and tried to hit that. She didn’t want to have sex until the second date, as she made abundantly clear via “nonverbal cues.” Nevertheless, he persisted.
The date began the same place it ended: at his place. He had her meet him there, and they had a few glasses of wine there before they went out to eat—which was a good move, strategically.
Provided you don’t live in a shithole (worthy of African people) like I do, it’s a good idea to let a girl take a look at your place before you go out, because it plants ideas in her head. It gives her an idea of the kind of lifestyle she could potentially enjoy if she plays her cards right. It also gets her familiar with the idea of being in your house, so she can’t claim to be disoriented when you bring her back there later.
From there, they went to a famous oyster restaurant on a boat, a mere matter of blocks from Aziz’s apartment. This was an important detail, because it shows just how expensive Aziz’s apartment probably is. I mean, if it’s in walking distance from the ocean. Imagine if not only could you walk from your front door to a seafood restaurant on a boat, but you could afford to eat there on the reg. Aziz has probably taken hundreds of girls on the exact same date.
At the restaurant, they had lobster rolls and salad (eww), a picture of which is provided in the article, as evidence. Aziz ordered a bottle of white wine. Grace, who was 22 at the time, prefers red (with lobster rolls lol), but Aziz didn’t ask, because he’s insensitive to the needs of women.
Grace had yet to finish the wine in her glass (which she supposedly didn’t want anyway), and there was more in the bottle, when Aziz called for the check. On the one hand, that was kind of a baller move, because wine in a restaurant costs more than gasoline and printer ink combined. Even a shitty bottle of wine you could get at Trader Joe’s for three dollars might cost you $30, and a seafood restaurant located on a boat near expensive real estate probably doesn’t even carry Charles Shaw.
On the other hand, it’s a strategic mistake to not let your date drink as much as she possibly can before leaving the restaurant. At the very least, I would have told her that we were about to leave and therefore she should drink up, just to see if she would do it. I may have also subtly made reference to how much the wine was costing me, to make her feel guilty.
If this girl was attractive enough to go out on a date with Aziz Ansari, she couldn’t have weighed any more than I did when I was in the first grade. Three glasses of wine should have been more than enough to get her nice and lubricated. She was probably half-drunk when they left the apartment (which, again, is why I recommend pre-gaming).
Back at Aziz’s apartment, Grace complimented him on his granite countertops. The fact that she would even notice some shit like that suggests, at the very least, that she watches a lot of HGTV (a red flag), but also that she may have been thinking about moving in.
Aziz suggested she hop up on the countertop, and she did, which in his mind probably constituted consent. At that point, they began kissing. Aziz touched one of her cans, and she didn’t scream like a banshee or take off running. I read once, in a PUA manual, that if you touch a girl’s cans and she doesn’t object to it, that means she’s willing to have sex with you—if not then and there, eventually. Aziz has almost certainly read those books. Sites where PUAs congregate are lousy with Indian guys trying to find out how to score with white chicks, or so I’ve been told.
The two of them disrobed, and Aziz went to grab a condom. Grace was shocked—shocked—that Aziz went to grab a condom, as if he planned to score and suggested they just “chill” instead, seemingly unaware that the word chill is millennial code for fucking. (In my day, it was a Guy song.) Aziz took this as a cue to have his second seafood meal of the evening, and then he asked her to reciprocate, which is only right. She did, but only briefly, she says (so presumably no facial).
It’s not uncommon for a white chick to blow a guy almost immediately after meeting him, so as to avoid having sex with him. Some will even offer anal, if they’re technically still a virgin. Regardless of their level of experience, they try to put off intercourse until at least the second date, because it’s a known fact that no man in his right mind would marry a woman who has sex on the first date. How could you trust such a woman to raise your children? I’d be wary of having such a woman in my house.
Obviously Grace was looking for more from this encounter than “borrowing some friction from a stranger.” She wanted to chop broccoli on those countertops. And she knew there was no way she’d be invited back to that apartment if she let Aziz hit that. The question is, why did she stick around for what sounds like hours of him literally chasing her around the apartment, continually pointing at his schlong, bending her over in front of a mirror, attempting to “drop a digit” on her and what have you?
If she’d been thinking, she would have sucked him off to completion and been done with it. Worst case scenario, she would have given a blowski in exchange for what was probably a fairly expensive seafood dinner, which seems fair enough to me (nullus), but who knows. Even if Aziz didn’t intend to pursue a long-term relationship with Grace, you don’t lose the number of a girl who had the sense to provide you with such a favor and then vacate the premises without you even asking.
You call a girl like that on GP, to see how she’s doing. She might need to borrow five dollars.
Take it easy on yourself,