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I'll always love Young Dolph (nullus)

I'll always love Young Dolph (nullus)
By Byron Crawford • Issue #357 • View online
The murder of rapper Young Dolph in Memphis the other day raises a number of questions, not least of which the question of who he even was.
Which is not to say that he doesn’t have a following. Clearly, he was famous enough to be trending on Twitter for a few hours after he died, at a time when there’s actual news. I’m sure if you looked him up on Spotify he has more monthly listeners than half the guys I listen to.
But I’d never heard of the guy. The name Young Dolph suggests to me one of these guys from Chicago who’s like 15 but nevertheless has already been implicated in a number of homicides and is therefore considered sufficiently credible by the standards of that particular subgenre.
But come to find out this guy was 36 years old and from Memphis. Can you even call yourself Young Something or Other at 36? How old was Young Jeezy when he started calling himself just Jeezy, and did that coincide with him starting to dress like a magician? I guess Young Dolph won’t have to sweat a potential name change, now that he’s dead.
It’s tragic that he lived that long only to die in a drive-by shooting as if he were young enough to have a legitimate reason to use TikTok. Maybe they thought he was younger than he was because he had a slight build. Hence a trip to the bakery: you don’t want people thinking you’re a member of Gen Z on the basis of your physique.
Ironically, older rappers these days are more likely to die from lifestyle-related issues like hypertension and type 2 diabetes, possibly as a result of having eaten too many cookies. If nothing else good comes from the assassination of Young Dolph (a distinct possibility), maybe it’ll prevent people from going to that particular bakery for a while. Personally, I’d wait a few weeks, just to make sure it’s safe.
But I am curious to know what they sell there. The name of the bakery is Makeda’s Butter Cookies. I wonder what they mean by “butter cookies.” Do they have more butter than regular cookies, and if so, are they wet, like they sat outside in the rain for a while? Or do they become semi-gelatinous after they’ve had time to cool? Imagine if you could spread a cookie on another cookie.
Or could it be that people from less fortunate backgrounds eat baked goods with no butter in them, like how people baked pies with no fruit in them during World War II, to support the troops, and so the purpose of the name is to indicate that their cookies do in fact have butter in them?
It’s hard to know if Young Dolph was a good guy or why someone would want to pop a cap in his ass. Apparently, he had beef with all of the other popular rappers in his town, but maybe those guys are all assholes. They’re certainly inconsiderate. The fact that Young Dolph ate cookies suggests to me that he was either a nice person or an eccentric villain right out of a Bond movie.
If I’m Yo Gotti or Blac Youngsta, I’m hoping that 5-0 isn’t any more adamant about investigating this crime than they were about any number of other rappers who were shot and killed. Have they ever solved a rap-music-related homicide? If they wanted to, I’m pretty sure they could figure out who committed most of these crimes by watching a few episodes of VladTV.
I’ll have to remind myself to watch any episodes that might have to do with Young Dolph, arguably the GOAT Memphis rapper. I haven’t been watching as much since Vlad had the sheer balls to suggest that Louis Farrakhan said something anti-Semitic, leading my idol Lord Jamar to start his own YouTube channel.
In addition to incriminating details about this unfortunate incident, maybe I’ll learn some interesting facts about the history of black baked goods, just in time for Thanksgiving.
Take it easy on yourself,


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