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I, for one, forgive Tory Lanez

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Life in a Shanty Town

January 22 · Issue #271 · View online

The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions


Internets,
It’s a new year, and America has a new president. It’s time for Megan Thee Stallion to let bygones be bygones.
I got my hopes up when I saw reports—which turned out to be false—that Megan Thee Stallion had dropped charges against Tory Lanez, who’s been accused of shooting her in both feet.
Turns out they were sourced from some questionable black gossip blog which is somehow still publishing in 2021. (I salute their endurance.)
Remember when Barack Obama would invite people from any ol’ black media outlet to the White House? He understood that some of the most impressionable Americans get their news from those outlets, and that their editors might be susceptible to flattery.
If Joe Biden and Kamala Harris were to invite yours truly to the White House, I’d definitely accept the invitation, on the outside chance that AOC might be there, so I could see what her body looks like in person.
Is it as perfect as I imagine it being, or perhaps somehow even better? I bet it’s especially impressive in motion.
Come to find out that Megan Thee Stallion hasn’t really dropped charges against Tory Lanez. Some young guy from the New York Times got in touch with “a rep for Tory Lanez,” who said he still has to go to court next month. If convicted, he faces up to 22 years in the state pen. Bummer!
Is it too early to request a compassionate release on the grounds that Corona is rampant in prison, not to mention anal rape? Lanez might have considered attempting to purchase a preemptive pardon or commutation from Donald Trump, if that’s a thing that exists.
Thee Stallion herself later chimed in with something to the effect of, No, I have dropped the charges. Yo ass is going to jail, bitch!
That’s not an exact quote, but it really was phrased in a manner in which a black male bus driver of a certain age might have said it. I can see why she’s come to be regarded as one of the top female rappers.
She really should consider dropping the charges against Tory Lanez for a number of reasons, including the following:
1) Tory Lanez isn’t from the U.S.
Sometimes, when Americans get locked up in countries where there’s not a sufficient level of respect for human life, like in Midnight Express, the American Embassy will attempt to intervene on their behalf. The Canadian Embassy might consider intervening Tory Lanez’ behalf. He doesn’t seem like an especially tough guy, despite having (allegedly) shot Megan Thee Stallion in both feet. I’m afraid of what might happen to him in prison.
2) I’m not convinced that Megan Thee Stallion really was shot in both feet.
If I got shot in either of my feet, let alone both of them, I’d never walk again. There’s a lot of tiny bones in your feet; if you were to get shot in the foot, you’d break at least a few of them. I have hardware in one of my feet from when I broke the tibia in my right leg when I was 15-ish. I haven’t walked right since. I definitely wasn’t walking right a mere matter of days after it was installed.
3) Jesus would forgive Tory Lanez for shooting him in both feet.
People from the South believe in the Lord, right? No but really. Megan Thee Stallion’s career has only taken off since she was allegedly shot in both feet, and at least some of that must be attributable to the publicity generated by the alleged shooting. I’m not saying Megan Thee Stallion owes Tory Lanez. I’m just saying. She didn’t just survive this alleged incident—she’s thriving. Why relive it by potentially having to testify in court?
This week, Donald Trump, who freed Lil Wayne, Kodak Black, secret Death Row Records co-founder Michael Harris and “yall’s boy” Kwame Kilpatrick, was replaced by Joe Biden, who wrote the ‘94 Crime Bill, and Kamala Harris, an actual cop.
If black people are to avoid going to prison, where we could catch Corona, or worse, it’s incumbent on all of us to avoid ratting each other out to the police for crimes that arguably aren’t that serious.
Megan Thee Stallion can do her part by forgiving Tory Lanez for shooting her in both of her feet, which he might not have anyway.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

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