View profile

I feel entitled to Megan Thee Stallion's body

I feel entitled to Megan Thee Stallion's body
By Byron Crawford • Issue #428 • View online
Note: Due to a miscalculation by my accountant, who’s an African-American, I won’t have access to a computer for the next week or two. In the meantime, I’ll be running best-of content. The next new Members Only™ issue will appear Tuesday 8/2. The next free issue drops that Friday.
This issue originally ran on February 4, 2020.

Internets,
I don’t have a problem with interracial relationships involving black men and white women, like in many of my favorite films, but I do have a problem with interracial relationships involving white men and black women.
So you can imagine my disappointment when I saw the video of Megan Thee Stallion and G-Eazy engaging in heavy petting at a Super Bowl party in Miami this weekend.
This must be what it felt like in slavery to see your wife violated by massa and not be able to do anything about it.
Not that I couldn’t drive down to Miami, have a word with G-Eazy, and maybe, if (and only if!) she let me, have sex with Megan Thee Stallion. But it shouldn’t be necessary for me to put forth that level of effort.
Fortunately, for the sake of my fragile ego, Megan Thee Stallion is not that hot anyway. She’s got a nice body, if you’re into ginormous black chicks, but her face is kinda buttery. I wouldn’t kick her out of my bed, but I would double bag it, both to protect myself from STDs and so I could pretend she was someone else. I’d also insist that she not say anything that wasn’t related to the sex act and/or the size of my schlong. She definitely wouldn’t be allowed to spit a hot 16.
It seems obvious to me that the purpose of posting that video was to generate publicity for some new song she’s trying to promote. No one gave a shit about her last song, “Hot Girl Summer,” and she fears the same thing will happen with this new. The hashtag Hot Girl Summer did become kinda popular as an excuse for ho-ish behavior during the warm weather months, but I don’t know that I ever heard the song. In fact, I can’t tell you that I’ve ever heard a Megan Thee Stallion song.
There may have been concern that, if Megan Thee Stallion entered into a phony relationship with a black rapper, it wouldn’t have been considered interesting enough to go viral on Twitter, especially with the Super Bowl, the impeachment trial and the Democratic primary. Already, she’s been with several black rappers, and I wasn’t aware of it until just now. Someone on Twitter posted a collage of pics of her cavorting with an entire posse cut worth of brothers. The only one I recognized was Wiz Khalifa, but I’m pretty sure the rest of them are known to Black People Twitter.
In the video, which I admittedly watched more than once, Megan Thee Stallion doesn’t seem to be nearly as into it as G-Eazy. Granted, the girl is never as into it as the guy, unless she’s got some ravenous, insatiable schlong-thirst stemming from a traumatic incident in her upbringing. But you get the sense that Megan’s handlers put her up to this, and she only agreed to go along with it begrudgingly.
G-Eazy may or may not be aware that this is just a publicity stunt. She may have just approached him at a party and grabbed his peen. If I were him, and Megan Thee Stallion approached me about pretending to be in a relationship in an attempt to get her career back in order, I’d insist that we actually had sex, whether or not video of it was (consensually) posted on social media. We know he’s acquired a taste for brown sugar, so to speak, because he used to date Halsey, who’s secretly part-black.
We’ll know that he benefited from this arrangement if, on his next album, his flow is that much more rhythmic.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol
Did you enjoy this issue?
Become a member for $5 per month
Don’t miss out on the other issues by Byron Crawford
Byron Crawford

The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions

You can manage your subscription here.
If you were forwarded this newsletter and you like it, you can subscribe here.
Powered by Revue