View profile

I can't believe Alex Jones is a performance artist

Internets, Part of the reason that I haven't been sharing my message of love as often as I'd like to

Life in a Shanty Town

April 28 · Issue #2 · View online
The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions

Part of the reason that I haven’t been sharing my message of love as often as I’d like to is that I’ve been working seven days a week for the past couple of years and also trying and mostly failing to finish another book. But the other reason I haven’t been writing as often is that the Alex Jones Show hasn’t been right for a while now, and I quite simply don’t know what to believe in anymore.
This must be how Lena Dunham felt when Hillary Clinton had her ass handed to her in last year’s presidential election. If I had the means, I might seriously consider moving to Canada.
It was announced yesterday evening that Alex Jones lost custody of his children. Specifically, he now has joint custody of his kids, with his ex-wife, Kelly, who gets to decide where the kids live. Presumably, the kids will go to live with her, and Alex Jones will probably get taken to the cleaners in order to ensure that they can live in a neighborhood where, let’s just say, they can get a good education.
Alex Jones’ lawyer tried to argue in court that his client’s shtick was just performance art, like when an aging hippie tries to take a shit on a flag while people watch. It was probably his best course of action, given the circumstances. How else to explain Jones’ insane rants about how many protests are funded by George Soros, and what really goes on in the basement at Comet Ping Pong, only some of which is true?
Over the course of a trial that lasted 10 days and was thoroughly covered by the media, Jones gradually undermined whatever good his lawyers did by claiming his act was just that—an act. In a deposition, he said he couldn’t remember the names of his kids’ teachers (something a man can’t be expected to know) because he’d just eaten “a big ol’ bowl of chili” that morning. On the witness stand, he said he smokes marijuana once a year to test its potency, because George Soros is making it stronger.
Having watched the Alex Jones Show for hours on end per day, for years, before I started working for a living at the ripe old age of 35, I should have seen this coming. A few years ago, he started randomly ranting and raving about the government trying to take people’s kids away because of their political views (which isn’t even a thing, as far as I know). I may have posted a video or two of this on my blog.
At the time, I figured maybe this was a matter of someone from Child Protective Services getting in contact with him after his appearance on Piers Morgan, in which he claimed to be stockpiling weapons. Morgan, it seemed, was trying to suspend the 2nd Amendment, possibly on orders from George Soros, and there may or may not have been a connection to Jade Helm 15. (I’ve contacted someone from the Pentagon to confirm this. I’ll send another email if they write back.)
I didn’t realize, until this custody hearing kicked off the other day, that Jones had split from his wife. While his kids were sometimes on the show, his wife always kept a low profile, maybe because she’s supposedly Jewish, fueling rumors that Jones himself is a zionist shill. It’ll be interesting to see what shift there is, if any, in his stance on Israel, now that he doesn’t have to sweat his wife withholding sex from him.
I’m surprised that Jones didn’t tone it down in court, but I’m also kinda not surprised. It makes sense that he would disavow most of what he says on his show, because of course you say whatever you have to say in court to avoid going to jail, or in this case, having your kids taken away, but he can’t have people on the Internets thinking he doesn’t really believe that Sandy Hook was a hoax. He’s got herbal boner pills to sell, and he can’t very well take care of his kids anyway if he can’t make $10 million a year selling snake oil.
He may not have wanted full custody of his kids. Kids are better off living with their mothers most of the time, because women are more adept at the various domestic tasks involved in raising a child. If you try to feed a child large bowls of chili for breakfast, it’ll probably grow up to look like me, and lord knows we don’t want that. Also, since his wife split, it’s been reported that Jones has been banging two chicks at the same time. You don’t need your kids walking in on that.
I’m actually more concerned with the fate of the Alex Jones Show. On the one hand, Jones is more popular than he ever has been, his personal life covered in the media as if he were a Kardashian. On the other hand, his show has never been as boring as it’s been since Trump took office. It’s just plain not very interesting to listen to him agree with damn near everything Trump says and does. Maybe losing his kids will light a fire under his ass.
Arguably, anyone who would marry Alex Jones is even less fit to raise kids than Jones himself. Won’t somebody please think of the children?
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol Byron Crawford: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, Books
Did you enjoy this issue?
Become a member for $5 per month
Don’t miss out on the other issues by Byron Crawford
You can manage your subscription here
If you were forwarded this newsletter and you like it, you can subscribe here.
Powered by Revue