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How dare Lizzo insult the spastic?

How dare Lizzo insult the spastic?
By Byron Crawford • Issue #416 • View online
The spastic have it hard enough as it is. They can’t stop their arms and legs from flailing about. Some of them might not be aware that it’s inappropriate to pull your schlong out in public. The last thing they need is Lizzo insulting them.
I refuse to believe that Lizzo is unaware that spastic is the British equivalent of the r-word—which I refuse to use here even though no one who would be offended could read this even if they wanted to.
It’s a matter of principle.
Lizzo spends a lot of time on online message boards where people, among other things, exhaustively catalog offensive slang terms, because she’s constantly having to seek out new and creative justifications for having a gross body.
Did you know that, because the cutoff for obesity is based on the Scottish, almost all black people are considered obese? Part of it, I imagine, might be schlong size, while part of it might be that black people have denser bones, which is why many of us can’t swim.
I’m just tossing that out there as a possibility. We might never know for certain. Scientists only study black people when they’re seeking a cure for a disease that affects white people. Hence the Tuskegee Experiment. The only thing we know for sure is that black women are impervious to physical pain.
But not emotional pain. I suspect that Lizzo resents the spastic because many of them are able to keep their weight in check despite subsisting on a steady diet of dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets with ketchup on them, Kraft macaroni and cheese and apple juice. They burn a lot of calories flopping around on the pavement like an irate toddler who’s been denied a Ninja Turtle. Some of them are incredibly strong.
Lizzo, meanwhile, can’t get it together despite being capable of knowing better. She was the one who flipped out on a Postmates driver for taking too long to bring a sandwich to her hotel room, right? I was about to say she spazzed out, but I didn’t, out of respect. The truly spastic would have no way of knowing I said that, but that doesn’t make it right.
Similarly, Lizzo probably figured the spastic wouldn’t mind the line on her song “Grrrls.” Do the spastic even like Lizzo? I feel like they’d be more into the second Redman album. I’m definitely suspicious of people on Twitter claiming to have cerebral palsy urging Lizzo to “do better.”
Obvious question: If they can’t control their arms and legs, how can they type? Do they have some sort of machine that types for them, like one of those wheelchairs you can drive by blowing into a straw?
They may have been able-bodied people trying to steal valor from the truly spastic. I’ve heard that’s a thing: people pouring bleach in their eye in order to be blind, sawing off an arm, all kinds of crazy shit. As an actual disabled person, with papers, I’m highly offended.
Speaking on behalf of the spastic, who can’t intelligibly speak for themselves, I could give a rat’s ass that Lizzo censored her own song. (What an insult to generations of artists who were persecuted for exercising their Constitutionally guaranteed right to freedom of speech.) Who told her she had that as an option?
When Arruh was thrown in prison for crimes for which he’d already been acquitted, he wasn’t given the option of pulling the Pee Tape from the market, filming a new version with a (chronologically) grown woman and rereleasing it. If he had been, he might have taken them up on their offer, as much as it pained him to do so. (He may have struggled to get a rod. Nullus.)
If Lizzo agrees that Arruh should be in prison, which I suspect she does, it’s only right that she should no longer be allowed to have a career as a recording artist. Either she should voluntarily retire from music and pursue her destined career selling videos of herself eating seemingly impossible amounts of food to Japanese guys on OnlyFans or R. Kelly should immediately be released from prison. Those are the only two things I’m willing to accept.


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