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Hopocalypse Now

Internets, It's a testament to an adulthood misspent that, when it was announced yesterday that abort
Hopocalypse Now
By Byron Crawford • Issue #108 • View online
Internets,
It’s a testament to an adulthood misspent that, when it was announced yesterday that abortion in Missouri has been banned after eight weeks, it wasn’t necessary for me to consult a calendar.
I can’t tell you exactly where I was eight weeks ago, or since then, for that matter, but wherever it was, it wasn’t balls-deep inside the kind of hoo-er whom I’d later have to drop off at Planned Parenthood, as if she were Jennifer Jason Leigh in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, lest she bore my progeny. Alas.
The announcement here in my native Missouri follows similar announcements in Alabama, Ohio and probably a few other shithole states—I don’t follow the news as closely as I should.
They must be trying to get rid of abortion altogether. If some litigious thot sues the State of Missouri for forcing her to become a mother, thus ruining her finances, and worse, her “personal life,” it’ll likely result in the Supreme Court overturning Roe v. Wade.
They don’t have to wait until the Notorious RBG croaks; they’ve already got enough pro-life justices on the bench, with that guy Neil Gorsuch, who was supposed to be an Obama appointee, and Brett Kavanaugh, who famously remarked that he used to like beer, and he still does.
What does it say about me that Kavanaugh is the justice I can relate to the most (politics aside)? A close second would be Clarence Thomas, who’s (very) black, and who watches pr0n on the reg—though I’d never discuss my “proclivities” in the workplace, in part because I’m concerned about the implications of the fact that I’ve been watching the same three videos over and over again for longer than I care to admit, but also out of respect for women, natch.
To protect Roe, it’s been suggested that film productions should boycott Alabama, which could have the effect of preventing a sequel to 12 Years a Slave (13 Years a Slave), and that women should refrain from having sex with men until… what, they run for the Missouri State Senate and demand another vote on the aforementioned abortion ban? How many vagines are worth such effort? I’m not sure if I’d go through all that to score with Alyssa Milano back during the Poison Ivy era, let alone in 2019.
If women wanted to retain the right to have last weekend’s mistake vacuumed out like so much Cheeto dust beneath a seat cushion, they should have thought about that back when they were so gung ho about electing Hillary Clinton. If Hillary hadn’t stolen the nomination from Bernie Sanders, this wouldn’t have been an issue. How tragic, and yet ultimately appropriate, that their conniving would lead to this.
Lost in all the consternation surrounding the abortion ban here in Missouri is the fact that abortion hasn’t been completely outlawed just yet. You can still get an abortion, provided you show up within two months of getting pregnant.
Arguably, this law is racist. A white woman who doesn’t have the means, or the sense, to get an abortion in two months probably isn’t worth having sex with anyway, whereas you can see how a black chick might not be able to meet that deadline, either because she’s too fat to tell that she’s pregnant or because her prospective babydaddy couldn’t come up with the $315 on such short notice.
I wonder if the Supreme Court has considered this. I might need to get on the phone with Clarence Thomas. We can compare notes before getting down to brass tacks.
Take it easy on yourself,
Bol

 

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