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Freezing to death is for suckers


Life in a Shanty Town

February 19 · Issue #279 · View online
The hip-hop newsletter that's not afraid to ask the tough questions

I can understand wanting to bolt Texas for Cancun, lest you freeze to death, but what I *don’t* understand is cutting your trip short just because you’ve been shamed on the Internets.
If I were Ted Cruz, I would have just stayed in Cancun. I may have even booked an extra week. Who knows, maybe something even worse will happen next week and we won’t even remember that it was somehow snowing in Texas—which doesn’t make sense anyway.
I’m sure he thought it was a good idea to come back to Texas to salvage his political career, in case he wants to run for president again in 2024, but he may come to regret this decision.
It’s not like he’ll be able to go home and spend the weekend alternating between playing Mario Kart and rubbing one out to TikTok videos, if that’s a thing that one does. He’ll have to commit to some sort of photo op, and I heard Texas is a damn mess right now.
The streets are covered in ice, and people from the South don’t know how to drive in inclement weather (remember that time it snowed in Atlanta?), so he could die in a car wreck.
Worse, for some reason I heard the water isn’t working. Some hospitals are being forced to use garbage and medical waste bags to empty shit from the toilets, because they can’t just flush them. That’s just trifling.
And I heard there’s a jail where the stench of piss is so strong that the air kinda tastes like piss. (It doesn’t make sense that they wouldn’t be able to pee in a bucket and toss it out the window, but you have to keep in mind this is Texas.)
His best bet might be to visit one of these heated mutual-aid shelters, provided there’s no sexual assault going on. I heard about what went on in the Superdome after Hurricane Katrina. Or were those false accusations?
If he were in Cancun, Cruz could have been scoring himself. We know his wife is ugly. Donald Trump famously made fun of her during the 2016 Republican primary. I consulted the Google re: Heidi Cruz, and yeah, she’s not the most attractive woman in the world.
I expect more out of white women named Heidi. I feel like she should be blonde with ginormous cans and anachronistic ‘80s hair. (Cruz’s wife is blonde FWIW.)
Ted Cruz has an Hispanic-sounding name, which leads me to believe that he might be able to talk to Mexican women in their native tongue. He might even be able to score without laying any money down. At the very least, he’ll be better equipped to Haggle.
He’s not the most Hispanic-looking Hispanic guy, but that might be a plus for him in Mexico. Hispanics might be like other ethnicities in that they prefer the most white-looking members of their own group.
This was an epidemic in the black community in the 1980s and was at least partly to blame for the massive success of DeBarge. (DeBarge had some jams though.)
Then there’s the fact that Ted Cruz took his daughters down to Cancun and apparently left them down there. How old are these girls, if they needed him to take him down there in the first place? I’m asking for a friend.
I’m not saying I would book a trip to Mexico to take advantage of this opportunity, especially since they might favor their mother. I’m just saying. If I were already down there…
We know there’s no supervision.
Take it easy on yourself,

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