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Freddie Gibbs can't go anywhere

Freddie Gibbs can't go anywhere
By Byron Crawford • Issue #408 • View online
This week, upon hearing news of the latest Freddie Gibbs beatdown, some of the sorriest people on Twitter rushed to post ostensibly humorous memes. I’d like to see them fight an entire jail’s worth of rust-belt ne'er-do-wells while taking their girlfriend, who may or may not be involved in adult film, for a bite to eat at a restaurant in a sketchy part of Buffalo, NY.
(Note: I’m assuming that this restaurant was in a sketchy part of Buffalo, NY, based on what happened there, and that there’s also a nice part of Buffalo, which is where OJ Simpson and Rick James lived.)
This is at least the second time Gibbs got beat up in a restaurant, raising the question of where he’s supposed to eat. I’ve been backstage at enough concerts by the kind of rappers who would associate with someone like me to know that they don’t necessarily have a craft services table like a Jurassic Park film. Sometimes there’s just drugs and alcohol.
In Miami, he got into it with Jim Jones’ weed carriers at a fancy steakhouse, the value of which I’m sure is lost on many members of the hip-hop community. Buffalo’s own Westside Gunn, for example, once bragged about ordering the chicken sandwich at Ruth’s Chris.
I heard that, at a fancy steakhouse, if you order a steak well-done, they give you one that fell on the floor. If they don’t have one that fell on the floor, they probably drop one on the floor as a matter of principle.
Westside Gunn has multiple bars about throwing up after going to Ruth’s Chris. He’s arguably one of the five most intelligent people in hip-hop, for what it’s worth, but he seems to have failed to put one and two together.
In Buffalo, Gibbs got beat up at a chain barbecue restaurant called Dinosaur Bar-B-Que, which I’m sure is entirely unacceptable to people who live in places where they know from good barbecue. He may have been thinking, if he got beat up at a nice restaurant in Miami, maybe he’d be better off at a not-as-nice restaurant in Buffalo.
As Charlie Murphy would say, wrong!
Word must have got out that Gibbs was headed to Dinosaur BBQ. It’s hard to tell from the video, which wasn’t filmed from a good angle (World Star!), but some of those guys don’t look like they could afford a meal in a restaurant. Good barbecue would run you even before they jacked up the price on everything.
If I were Benny the Butcher, I’d be concerned that I could potentially be hit with RICO charges, if people see that he can send that many people to beat someone up at a barbecue restaurant, let alone people who aren’t exactly known for their organizational skills or their ability to show up places on time. Maybe they were promised free barbecue for participating.
That same evening, Gibbs performed in Buffalo looking like a side of beef in Rocky. It was brave of him to even leave the house looking like that, let alone perform live in the same town where he got beat up. 
He may have just needed the money. Supposedly, they snatched his chain. If they did, he probably can’t report it to the insurance, because they’d require him to file a police report, which is verboten in hip-hop. It’s one of the few things you’re not allowed to do. Tragically, he might be out more money than he was paid to perform.
If nothing else good comes of this, maybe he’ll be forced to start making sandwiches and bringing them with him, in a soft-side cooler, if only as a cost-saving measure. It’ll also have the added benefit of keeping him out of restaurants, which have been proven to be not safe.
Grocery stores, where they sell lunch meat, mayonnaise (essential for any good sandwich) and what have you, aren’t safe either, especially in Buffalo, but there’s always Instacart. Or he can park out front and send his girlfriend in to get the sandwich fixins.
Girls know their way around grocery stores better than guys, not because it’s their place to make sandwiches, but because they really are smarter than men.

 

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