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Elon Musk don't need Twitter

Elon Musk don't need Twitter
By Byron Crawford • Issue #424 • View online
Elon Musk gave Twitter everything a useless social media app could possibly want, including a promise of $44 billion. Now all he can give them is advice.
It was announced the other day that Musk is pulling out of his deal to purchase the app, possibly due to concerns that a solid 95% of its users are either bots or people working in a troll factory in Russia.
I’ve long suspected this myself, and I wonder if Musk only pretended to be interested in purchasing Twitter in order to gain access to the site’s back end. Nullus. A while back, he announced, that the deal was on hold until they could prove this wasn’t the case.
The fact that they apparently wouldn’t show him what he needed to see was definitely a red flag, I’d say. That’s like going to buy a house and they won’t let you look inside one of the bedrooms until after closing. Anything could be going on in that room!
If I’m spending $44 billion on something, I need to be able to kick the tires, so to speak. Not only do I need all of my problematic homeboys’ accounts reinstated, before I cut the check, as a matter of principle, I need to have sexual relations with any reasonably attractive secretaries or girls who work in HR.
I guess, theoretically, Twitter could have attractive female engineers who didn’t used to be guys (not that there’s anything wrong with that), so I’ll include them as well.
It’s a known fact that Elon Musk scores with girls at his various companies. It was announced the other day that he had secret twins with an exec at mind-bullets company Neuralink (that’s telekinesis, Kyle), and he was recently accused of pulling his schlong out in front of a SpaceX flight attendant.
He probably could have gotten Grimes a job, if she wasn’t already a famous musician. (That way, she could feel like she also contributes.)
The lady at Neuralink was pregnant at the same time Grimes was pregnant with her second child with Musk. His life is like a song from Usher’s Confessions album. I wonder if Usher’s recent Tiny Desk concert resonated with him on a level that I couldn’t appreciate.
As he discussed with Nick Cannon the other day on Twitter, Musk is concerned that the world is running out of people, so he’s doing his part to repopulate the Earth, plus some. It might seem like there’s a lot of people in the world, but most of them are people in third world countries and idiots. Many of the most intelligent amongst us hardly have time to keep up with whatever shows we’re watching, let alone procreate.
I don’t blame Elon Musk for pulling out of his deal to buy Twitter, as much as it pains him to pull out of anything. Now is not the time to be buying things that cost $44 billion. The price of groceries alone has gone up 9.1% in the past month. I’m finding it increasingly hard to put food on my family, and I’m the only one in my family. I can only imagine what it’s like for Elon Musk.
Twitter had the nerve to try to sue Musk for backing out of the deal, which, whoever heard of such a thing? If you go to the store to buy a can of beer, and you decide to wait until later in the week, in case something comes up, you don’t have to give the store some money because you changed your mind. Between this and the fact that he’s got umpteen kids by nearly as many women, I’ve never been more convinced that Elon Musk really is an African-American.
African-Americans already run Twitter, in a sense, so we don’t need equity. Our money is better spent providing for our families—something we tend to prioritize, quiet as kept.


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