You’d be hard-pressed to find a list of the top 200 songs of the 2010s more virtuous than Pitchfork’s list, released yesterday. The top 10 of their list alone has two gay guys; a fetal-alcohol-syndrome baby with tiny hands, like on the cover of Dead Kennedys’ Plastic Surgery Disasters; and seven women, including three black women and a half-Asian woman. Even Ronald Reagan’s Secretary of the Interior James Watt, who famously bragged about having “a black, a woman, two Jews and a cripple” on his staff, would find it difficult to assemble such an all-star squad without the use of a spreadsheet, a 23 and Me kit and a polygraph.
In other regards, unfortunately, Pitchfork’s list wasn’t quite as impressive.
A good half of the songs on it I’ve never heard, and I spent the first half of the 2010s sitting around in my underwear, browsing the Internets. (Admittedly, I wasn’t always looking for music.) I’ve checked Pitchfork once daily since the late ‘90s—but 99% of the time I didn’t bother to read anything, even back in their mid '00s heyday. Many of these artists I’ve heard of, but I never listened to them. I dismissed them out of hand, because they seemed like they might be some ol’ bullshit. It’s one of the reasons I have such good taste: I don’t expose myself to just anything. No Louis CK.
Selecting Kendrick Lamar’s “Alright” as the best song of the decade was obviously just a nod to Black Lives Matter—at a time when that movement’s leaders have been reduced to arguing back and forth about whose attempt to exploit the pain and suffering of the black community for their own personal financial gain was most egregious, oddly enough. No one actually listens to “Alright.” If they just had to pick a Kendrick Lamar song, they should have gone with “Humble.” Not only is that song catchy. It contains valuable advice that the vast majority of black people would benefit from listening. I find myself mouthing that song’s lyrics to myself at least once daily, at work. It helps me avoid having to speak with HR.
If I had to rank the female artists in the top according to their looks, which is the kind of thing someone may have thought to do back in the '00s, when the Internets were still worth a shit, it would go a little something like this:
1) Lana Del Rey
Lana Del Rey would top some lists of actual models, depending on what kind of modeling it was. She’s finer than a mofo! But wasn’t she considered a joke as recently as six weeks ago. Now her new album is supposedly the new Kid A. I’d pull it up on what’s left of my beloved Google Play Music, to see for myself, but I’ve already fallen for that trick a few times too many.
I never really cared for Beyoncé, but there’s no denying she’s an attractive woman. Her body is in admirably decent shape, for someone who’s secretly in her 40s, and I wouldn’t mind putting it through its paces.
If I were to put together a list of the 200 best songs of the '00s, which I won’t, because I don’t care, I might honestly put “Your Best American Girl” in the top 10. That song touched me emotionally. I understand how Asian women feel, because I watch a lot of Asian film.
How in TF was Grimes number two on this list? Wasn’t she canceled when it was revealed that, for all “intensive purposes,” she had joined the alt-right? Even Taylor Swift, who’s conspicuously absent on this list (ain’t she a woman?), puts on a front like she’s not a Trump supporter.
Robyn’s face is no good. I’m always surprised at how much she looks like Ross Perot. She might consider releasing a song called “Can I Finish?”
6) Azealia Banks
Remember that time Azealia Banks was in Playboy? (Or did she just leak noodz of herself?) I wish I had two extra hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!
Solange is butt-ugly, and I think her looks may have played a role in her decision to attack Jay-Z in that elevator. Attractive women develop good personalities, because they’re treated so well by society, and they reciprocate that kindness.
If I had the time and the interest, I’m sure I could go through this list with a fine-tooth comb and turn up any number of quirks and inconsistencies. Take for example Run the Jewels. They aren’t anywhere on this list. RTJ2 topped Pitchfork’s albums list in 2014. Would they have fallen that far, that fast, if both members of the group were black? At least some of Das Racist’s career took place in the 2010s, and I feel like their alleged impropriety should be mitigated by the sheer diversity they bring to the table. Was the girl who runs Pitchfork not at SPIN back when one of the guys from Das Racist (or possibly the whole group) was dating someone who worked there and had her planting positive stories about them like circa 1994 Dave Mays and Benzino? I see she’s acting brand new.
Take it easy on yourself,