At the height of Cardi B mania, around the time her album was released, I heard some SJW music writer argue that she’s a “great rapper” despite the fact that she obviously doesn’t write her own rhymes, or even recite them very well. It almost brought out the absolute worst in me.
You guys know I’m trying to be a better person than I was in my 20s. It’s part of the reason why I rarely use Twitter anymore. I can’t be out here calling people the other f-word, as if this were 1997, just because they disrespected the Wu-Tang Clan. I might get arrested, and I’m not sure how I’d explain that to my parents.
Cardi B hit it big last year with that song “Bodak Yellow,” one of the few songs by a female rapper to hit number one on the Billboard Hot 100—but not because, as the late, great Sean Price once argued, there’s no such thing as a good female rapper. By the time Invasion of Privacy dropped, “Bodak” had run its course and, as discussed in an issue of Life in a Shanty Town, it wasn’t clear to me that she’d have another hit.
Since then, she’s had that song with Bruno Mars, which was positively huge, and a few songs of her own that are supposedly very popular, though I never actually hear them on the radio. We sometimes listen to a garbage commercial rap station in the warehouse, even though, at 37, I’m the third youngest person there, and the only time I hear that song “I Like It Like That” is when it appears, briefly, in a commercial for … I don’t know, are there ads for the free clinic?
It wouldn’t necessarily make sense to advertise something that’s free anyway. But it’s funded by taxpayer dollars, so I’m sure they’ve got money to spare. And not everyone is aware of the full range of services they offer. For example, did you know that you can get a routine checkup at Planned Parenthood? I might cancel my health insurance and start going to Planned Parenthood once a year.
It’s probably not a bad place to meet women. Any girl you meet there obviously fucks. And if worse comes to worst, she can’t put on a front like she wouldn’t be willing to get an abortion.
But I digress.
A post on Funkmaster Flex’s IG, where I get my news, sheds some light on why, aside from advancing the cause of social justice, people seem so committed to pretending to like Cardi B. To hear Flex tell it, her handlers have been spreading money around. Specifically, he says they’ve been paying DJs to play her songs, so they can pretend that they’re “hot.”
You’ll recall that the TIs pulled something similar with Iggy Azalea a while back. Each Clear Channel station was required to play that song “Fancy” at least 150 times, as part of something they were calling the On the Verge program. Then they could continue playing it, if they wanted to, if it somehow managed to become a hit. (“Fancy,” like “Bodak Yellow,” was one of the few female rap songs to hit number one on the Hot 100.)
Granted, Flex is obviously in cahoots with Nicki Minaj. She did a big exclusive interview with him the other day, as if anyone gives a shit. She may have even let him touch her fake cans and ass to see how they compare to real human flesh. Minaj was rendered obsolete by Azalea, upwards of five years ago, and they’ve both since been surpassed by Cardi B. Now Minaj is trying to kneecap Cardi B, in a desperate, last-ditch attempt to promote her new album Queen.
But that doesn’t necessarily mean that what Flex said isn’t true. As a DJ who’s played many a song that no one actually likes, I’m sure he’s in a unique position to know who’s out here cutting checks. He may have even cashed one of those checks himself.
Take it easy on yourself,